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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
05-09-2008, 06:55 AM
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#1
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Scribe
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: I live in Glen Burnie,Md aobut 5 miles South of Baltimore.
Gender: Male
Posts: 75
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The Whispered word
Version one
What was that
whispered word
that I heard?
Was it from a guardian,
who tweaks the pages of man
through the ages of time?
Was he the man who
I sat beside, that asked
If I believed in the ONE
Who died, to save my hide?
Was it my guardian from above
who whispered in my ear,
“Have no fear
for I send you
God’s love”?
Do you believe,
you will receive
the whispered word
that I heard?
Version 2
What was that whispered word
that I heard?
Was it from a guardian,
who tweaks the pages of man
through the ages of time?
Was he the man who I sat beside, that asked
If I believed in the ONE who died,
to save my hide?
Was it my guardian from above?
Who whispered in my ear?
“Have no fear for I send you
God’s love?”
Do you believe, you will receive
the whispered word that I heard?
I just realized poems sounds so much better when they are recited,then you put them on paper and poof not so good.  This is my revision of "My Guardians" . I could not do anything to change it from the way it was so I took a breather for while and came up with this or these versions. Guys and Gals do your thing(Critique etc)
Those that are Mom's have a Happy Mothers day.
__________________
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow hasn't come.
Today is now, and now is all we have.
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05-09-2008, 07:44 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,590
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I wouls suggest trimming down S3 and 4 a little to tighten the rhythm to that of the other stanzas.
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05-09-2008, 08:31 AM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: East Coast, US
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,487
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What was that whispered word
that I heard?
Was it from a guardian,
who tweaks the pages of man (not sure if tweaks is the right word here)
through the ages of time?
Was he the man who I sat beside, that asked (this has too many syllables)
If I believed in the ONE who died,
to save my hide? (I know you're going for the rhyme--but you might want to rethink hide)
Was it my guardian from above?
Who whispered in my ear?
“Have no fear for I send you
God’s love?” (add more syllables here--maybe God's unconditional love?)
Do you believe, that you will receive
the whispered word that I've heard?
Just my two cents. It's a sweet message. Keep on writing, Dennis.
__________________
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
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Yesterday, 07:11 AM
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#4
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Scribe
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: I live in Glen Burnie,Md aobut 5 miles South of Baltimore.
Gender: Male
Posts: 75
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whispered word revised..
What was that whispered word
that I heard?
Not ready yet darn it...
__________________
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow hasn't come.
Today is now, and now is all we have.
Last edited by DENNISM65 : Yesterday at 07:14 AM.
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Yesterday, 07:15 AM
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#5
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Scribe
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: I live in Glen Burnie,Md aobut 5 miles South of Baltimore.
Gender: Male
Posts: 75
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format
came out all wrong when I redid it. I will get here eventually and thanks for the responses.
__________________
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow hasn't come.
Today is now, and now is all we have.
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Yesterday, 08:27 AM
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#6
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Scribe
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: I live in Glen Burnie,Md aobut 5 miles South of Baltimore.
Gender: Male
Posts: 75
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The whispered word revised
What was that
whispered word
that I heard?
Was it from a guardian,
who turns the pages of man
through the ages of time?
Was the man I sat beside,
A message not denied?
“Do I believe in HIM
Who died for me,
to set my sins free?”
Was it my guardian from above?
Who whispered in my ear?
“Have no fear , I send you
the gift of God’s love?”
Do you believe
that you will receive
the whispered word
that I’ve heard?
__________________
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow hasn't come.
Today is now, and now is all we have.
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Yesterday, 10:06 AM
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#7
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Pennsylvania
Gender: Male
Posts: 9
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Was it from a guardian,
whotweaks the pages of man
through the ages of time?
How about turns instead of tweaks
Just an idea.
__________________
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway... Mihir Chhangani
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Yesterday, 10:09 AM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,590
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I would go for marks rather than tweaks to get the "m" sound to tie in with man.
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Yesterday, 10:36 AM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: East Coast, US
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,487
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
I would go for marks rather than tweaks to get the "m" sound to tie in with man.
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Nice suggestion, Baron.
Dennis, I like your edits so far. It's much clearer what you're trying to say and you rhythm is stronger. I need to reread it more, but so far I like what you've done.
__________________
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
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Yesterday, 10:46 AM
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#10
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Scribe
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: I live in Glen Burnie,Md aobut 5 miles South of Baltimore.
Gender: Male
Posts: 75
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I did take "Tweaks" out as you reread it. "Turns" works so much better as suggested. "Marks" is good also . Anyway thanks for the suggestions from all. Havng a quick lunch and I better get back to work...(- :
__________________
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow hasn't come.
Today is now, and now is all we have.
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Yesterday, 01:11 PM
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#11
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Addict
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Gender: Male
Posts: 160
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yeah, i like the 3rd version with "turned" in there instead of "tweaked". Sounds a lot better. I enjoyed this poem, I thought it was really interesting!
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