de-human - Writers Forum

CMM_Kaleido · 05-09-2008, 02:37 AM

fleas mites lice
_______stand
taller than me
_______spring
with greater conviction
_______pass
through dust devils
waste

___and this world
with greater purpose

children scream
___rape
_____fills sunless days
___choked
by grubby numbers pinned
___to shards of life
call lambs to another great white
___constrictor
___reeking
scaly tentacles
grab
_____arms
_____legs
___________mind
___strap to unbearable
_____suffocate
___________decapitate

whimper through
___rip_______slam_______shred

fire
___never stops
___pass
from monster to monster
___________cipher in profanity

raw hole bleeds
weeps
_____devours
_______legs run
_______arms reach
_______feet stand
_______voice scream

ragged lips engulf woman
she should have been

insects feed among
___her filth
_______offer only comfort

my legs stride
___hands embrace
___my own
_____while parasites
_______and death
are friend
___and savior
to broken
___babies splayed
___in hell

_____carried by sound
_____striding limbs

apple · 05-09-2008, 02:09 PM

Oh My God. Each word a power of it's own, linking, linking. The poem, the way it looks on the page, the message, the raw visuals. Fantastic.

CMM_Kaleido · 05-09-2008, 02:33 PM

Apple, that means so much coming from you. I am glad to get some feedback. When I started this piece every thought, every image was a horror, but the longer I dealt with it I became numb to the point where it was just a random string--a list, and I was no longer able to evaluate or interpret it.

My sincerest thanks again for taking the time to read the piece and share your comments.

PrisonerOfPrey · 05-09-2008, 04:57 PM

This is an extremely powerful piece CMM. It is very, very powerful. The ferver I felt, the pain...great work. The imagery was excellent, and creative. I have to no complaints. I do think that punctuation would have helped me with the flow. I dont know how you feel about that though. Its good to see you on the forums again, I'm going to return more often as well.

CMM_Kaleido · 05-09-2008, 09:33 PM

Thanks for the read and the compliments, PoP. I'm glad that in general the piece works for you. This is my first extended attempt at no punctuation (and capitalization). The goal was to push the piece more instinctive rather than organized--I hoped it would be reflective of the existence it is decrying. At the same time, I can definitely see places where punctuation would make the flow more evident and I was fudging for lack of skill to carry off the no punctuation thing. I will review line breaks and indents to see if I can make the punctuation less missed.

As ever, your thoughts are always appreciated.

MisterJack · 05-10-2008, 12:44 PM

I hope you don't mind, CMM K, but I've read through this now several times and feel the flow could be smoother. I love the content as it's so raw and biting. Superb.
Anyway, I've done a slight rework below, and, if I'm imposing, I do apologise, just hope to help is all.

see what you think.....

fleas mites lice
_______stand
taller than me
_______spring
with greater conviction
_______pass
through dust devils
_____waste

___and this world
with greater purpose

children scream
___rape
_____fills sunless days
___choked
by grubby numbers
_____pinned
___to shards of life
call lambs
to another great white this bit's quite tricky. The syllable count is a bit wayward. I'd recommend re-wording
_____________constrictor
___reeking
_____scaly
tentacles
_____that grab
_____arms add a syllable here ie; 'my
_____legs and here ie; and
___________mind
___strap to unbearable
_____suffocate
___________decapitate

whimper through
___rip_______slam_______shred

fire
___never stops
___pass
from monster
on to monster
___________cipher in profanity

raw hole bleeds
weeps
_____devours
_______legs run
_______arms reach
_______feet stand
_______voice screams an 's' to plauralise along with the rest?

ragged lips
__engulf woman
she should have been I think you could use a few more words in this part

insects feed
among her filth
_______offer
_________only comfort

my legs stride perhaps omit 'my' or add 3 more syllables for flow
___hands embrace
___my own
_____while
parasites and death
are friend
___and savior
to the broken babies add 'the' for flow, or similar
____splayed
___in hell

__carried
____by the sound
_____of striding limbs

again, truely great content, CMM. Enjoyed this very much and these are just suggestions or ideas that you may or may not wish to use.

Good piece

Kind regards

Jack

peterphreak · 05-10-2008, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CMM_Kaleido

fleas mites lice
_______stand -----------------------------( Dearest K,lovely piss ants to your sublime rant
taller than me
_______spring
with greater conviction
_______pass
through dust devils
waste-------------------------------------( you're too humble, i protest

___and this world -----------------------------------( Belief is the beginning of Faith to Love, purpose/repose/scream
with greater purpose

children scream ---------------------------( Lovely treacle of verse to adversed!
___rape
_____fills sunless days
___choked
by grubby numbers pinned
___to shards of life
call lambs to another great white
___constrictor
___reeking
scaly tentacles
grab
_____arms
_____legs
___________mind
___strap to unbearable
_____suffocate
___________decapitate------------------------( I doth bleed in dismembered joints to the whole

whimper through
___rip_______slam_______shred

fire
___never stops
___pass
from monster to monsters
___________cipher in profanity--------------------( "cipher in profanity", woah, such rot in profundity

raw hole bleeds
weeps
_____devours
_______legs run
_______arms reach
_______feet stand
_______voice scream--------------------------( how about devours italicized to make the verbs scream like a banshee?

ragged lips engulf woman ----------------------------- ( I love this reverse of play so Ambient
she should have been

insects feed among
___her filth
_______offer only comfort

my legs stride
___hands embrace
___my own
_____while parasites
_______and death
are friend
___and savior
to broken
___babies splayed
___in hell

_____carried by sound ----------------- ( recalls muther of Babylon/Caine/Able/mythological
_____striding limbs

Hi K,

It seems to be so dark on WF. But, then it fits with my mood, so i don't mind. "Oh happy dagger" says Mr. Bill.

CMM_Kaleido · 05-10-2008, 11:46 PM

MisterJack: On the contrary, I am honored you would take the time. As I told Apple, when I presented this piece I was in desperate need of more eyes. The flow and the meaning had all become unapproachable to me.

I will make all of your specified changes and attempt to reword where suggested. I am so thankful to have your help with the flow--you being a much better judge and all.

P: So kind of you to read and comment again. I am sorry that you are still in an "unfortunate" place. Perhaps tomorrow will bring better. Thank you for your suggestion to italicize 'devours.' I will employ.

papertears · Yesterday, 12:56 AM

This is screaming with expression, yet still whispers softly a unique beauty, that I have rarely seen captured through the pen. I am quite fond of the way each and every word, phrase, metaphor, allusion has its place physically as well as being pertinent to the flow. How you manage this is beyond me figuratively--I mean I can use html so I might be able to place the poetic elements physically--but I would not have any sense of how you knew where! That ability gives you greater control over the flow.

I've seen other attempts at this and they always intrigue me. This is a treasure. I hope that someday I can learn from it after studying it more.

Does the style have a name--I still realize you have put a very significant personal touch on it.

I could stare at this for hours as if its art. Then, I could also spend days attempting to read it aloud and not be sure I'm at all on the right track.

If you ever read it aloud in public, I would so much like to hear it from your point of view, Kaleido. In fact, I wouldn't mind having a copy (autographed would blow my mind) of the final revision to frame upon my wall if you decide to sell or publish it.

The entire piece really moves me in a way I can't describe, not to mention, its an example of how words can be beautiful in so many ways at once.

Oh K, this is something really special. I can not express my appreciation to you for sharing it.

~pt

Baron · Yesterday, 09:36 AM

I actually preferred this without the suggested edits, in particular the broken babies line. Adding "the" effects the meaning and, in my opinion, the power.