Gate

A car seat on the floor
his little head red with fury
the baby cries
She hears him vaguely
through hopelessness
and tells herself
tomorrow will be better
if tomorrow ever comes

__________________
" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."

CMM_Kaleido

Now this is very clear. Been there.

My one comment would be L3:

'a baby' seems to imply a different baby than the one in the car seat. Just 'baby cries' makes it the same baby. I understand if you were trying to show the 'vagueness' of her connection to the cry by making the baby seem distant, but that is not the stronger interpretation I got. You could possibly just refer to the cry and not label it at all to prevent confusion with earlier pronouns.

Gate

thanks this is a work in progress I went blank with all I wanted to convey so I stopped
she layed in her despair for almost two years .....I let her go I nutured my son He grew strong......she grew worse......life is sometimes hard yeah

__________________
" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."

Pete_C

Deliver your point. If you do one thing, then deliver.

This doesn't.

Gate

its pointless

__________________
" Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."