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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
05-07-2008, 06:25 AM
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#1
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,328
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infidelity
infidelity
as a child
the conifer
taunted
a bur
in his heart
a spur
to climb to the peak
teeter
at the tip
let go
fall
into ecstasy
the branches
soft ballerina arms
slowing him
kissing neck and arm
scratching naughtily
back and bum
until the final drop
nothing more
than a tender fall
into shed needles
that stuck
in essence
forevermore
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05-07-2008, 08:52 AM
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#2
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,174
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This is different for you dannyboy. Spartan structure (you know I like that) broadening toward the bottom, almost echoing the fall through the boughs of a tree. Good piece.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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05-07-2008, 05:44 PM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,328
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t v and yes, spot on.
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05-07-2008, 08:35 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,590
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I've commented on this on another forum Danny. I'm not going to say it's great as is because I've got into this superstition that the moment that I say that you decide it needs editting. So I say edit it in the knowledge that that means it'll stay as it is.
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05-07-2008, 10:37 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,328
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ta B and not all get an edit
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05-07-2008, 11:08 PM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,294
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Not a big fan of this one, Danny. I'm not sure whether the Spartan structure detracted or just had little effect on me. I can sort of see where you mean this to go, but the imagery doesn't hold much power from where I'm sitting. I know you can do better.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
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05-09-2008, 10:15 AM
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#7
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Writer
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Singapore
Gender: Male
Posts: 25
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According to what I found, Spartan structure is not a very common form of poetry o.O. Don't know how many people enjoyed that but it was pretty good... ...
__________________
For I dipped into the future, far as human eye could see, Saw the vision of the world, and all the wonder that would be. -Alfred Lord Tennyson
Quote Rating: 
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05-09-2008, 05:28 PM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,243
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For me, it fell short. I'm not going to bullshit you; for a poem from anyone, it was weak, from you, it just didn't deliver what it was supposed to. Too ineffectual.
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05-09-2008, 05:35 PM
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#9
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: England, the beautiful southwest.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,980
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I really like this, especially the soft ballerina arms. Brilliant.
Cheers Danny.
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05-09-2008, 06:20 PM
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#10
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: melbourne, australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 262
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i love spartan and no punctuation, so i quite enjoyed this one of yours
and i haven't really been able to relate that well to your other ones
*ducks*
so matter of style and taste  |
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Yesterday, 06:35 AM
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#11
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,328
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thank you everyone.
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