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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 05-05-2008, 05:01 PM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
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MisterJack is on a distinguished road
Drained

Drained






As I roll out of my skin
and rise from the river
like the bubbles in fine champagne,
they tell me I’m built with stolen parts.

____I crust and steal a vein
____(or scarecrows)
____to amuse myself

Shame bites with ugly teeth;
a wildcat with razor eyes
on the monkey
that breaks my lifeless back.

Now I lay with sand,
swollen and forgotten
like soldiers dipped in dry egg
discarded with the surplus drains.











.
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Last edited by MisterJack : 05-06-2008 at 01:54 PM.
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Old 05-05-2008, 05:56 PM   #2
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J.R. MacLean is on a distinguished road
whoa MJ.
that's real good.
very affecting.
I just made a comment in LM about part of a poet's job being to illumine
sadness.
you've done that here, and more.
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Old 05-07-2008, 04:18 PM   #3
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Thank you JR, for taking the time to read this.
I should really pop into LM soon, been very lazy over there recently.

Speak soon mate, chears

Jack
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Old 05-10-2008, 04:57 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJack View Post
Drained
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As I roll out of my skin --------------------------( six enters to entertain the drain of morning hangovers
and rise from the river
like the bubbles in fine champagne,
they tell me I’m built with stolen parts.

____I crust and steal a vein -------------------( droughts hapless musing Fates /scarecrows/Gretel so deveined!
____to amuse myself

Shame bites with ugly teeth; ----------------( lovely semi-colon/recaps wasted petals/love the pane!
a wildcat with razor eyes
on the monkey
that breaks my lifeless back.--------------------------(wildcat/razor/eyes/monkey on my back

Now I lay with sand, ----------------------( Misterjack recalls the scared tinman?/lay/sand/egg on face/bereft/drains ....
swollen and forgotten
like soldiers dipped in dry egg
discarded with the surplus drains.
7
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.

Just lovely the play of tick tacks with Jacks aplomb reading like Frida's "a few small Nips". Astounded by your denial. I'm astonished by your your placement of verse to pock mark my brain.

Last edited by peterphreak : 05-10-2008 at 10:23 PM.
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Old 05-11-2008, 09:59 AM   #5
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Thanks for the kind words, Peterphreak. Pleased to have 'astounded' and 'astonished' you. And I'm glad you gleaned something from the piece.

Thank you again for taking the time my friend

Jack
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