You or Nikki Giovanni - Writers Forum

ms. vodka · 05-03-2008, 12:07 PM

I cannot make a river
from this bead of sweat;
cannot create something significant
from my skin.

Although the boy with the tattooed
arms and clean hands delivers
a smile with my pizza
and his eyes flash that look
of confirm this wordless
question, I cannot put your hands
on his face or run your finger tips
across the studs of his belt.
I cannot put your tongue
on his perfect teeth
or look up but to say
thank you before
I turn and walk away
alone.

Although the girl in class
suffers skin squeezed
by belt and bra too small, I cannot
let you gaze
upon her tiny waist
or comprehend why
she would make
the unflattering choice
of blended beige on beige
on beige.
We cannot, together, feel
the pleasure of her
removing clothes, staring
at the welts
on her flesh in the mirror,
brushing her latte doll’s hair
alone.

Although you are, still, you cannot
show me
your world
where you lay
on your back in your bed,
upon white rumpled sheets,
legs crossed, staring at the ceiling,
contemplating things
and listening
to music, traffic, television,
sounds,
inhaling, exhaling
alone.

Ilasir Maroa · 05-03-2008, 09:29 PM

I really enjoyed the images this poem provoked, Jen. I'm curious: "his eyes flash that look of confirm this wordless question". Did you write it like that on purpose?

Jon1jt · 05-03-2008, 11:26 PM

Snorey. This is a one stanza or six line poem.

mandax · 05-04-2008, 01:33 AM

Flowed well. Very nice imagery. I especially like the first two lines and the bit about the girl. However, the last stanza is the one I felt the most. I almost wanted there to be something about the temperature in it, though. I can't really explain why. I felt like a scene like that should involve coolness. Some kind of wind and an open window (which would explain hearing the traffic). But that's my own crazy mind working, and if I'm not making sense, just ignore that last part, hahaha. Loved this.

ms. vodka · 05-04-2008, 02:26 AM

ilasir: yah i wrote it that way on purpose. i have this bad habit of writing things as i hear them in my head and then usually i edit it out later. thanks for the comment you know i always appreciate it.

jon: yes, you may have a point there. i will give that consideration when i edit this. you know, sometimes there's only a teeny bit from each poem worth keeping, but sometimes what's left works better than what you had originally intended. anyway, thanks for your time.

mandax: thank for the comments and the peek into your mind. i appreciate all suggestions because it gives me a chance to see things in so many different ways than i would otherwise.

take care,
jen

SadLuckDame · 05-04-2008, 04:10 AM

The emotions captured in this by a 3rd person, and twisting it in such a way that you almost feel like the characters were hiding these feelings from the world out of their own crazy hang ups, and reasons, yet thankfully the intuitive and observative you snapped a picture for us, spectacular. Very good stuff Ms. Vodka.

J.R. MacLean · 05-04-2008, 09:43 PM

loved the last stanza, all of it really.

change 'of confirm' to 'to confirm' and yes that's me on those
rumpled sheets.

Will-11 · 05-05-2008, 11:22 AM

The poem was simply beautiful in some places and the whole thing flowed seamlessly. Repetition of beige and half-rhyme of pleasure-together betray your talent at poetry and if it's not too personal it's publishable because it's both understandably to the majority and possible to empathise with. V good

Baron · 05-05-2008, 07:56 PM

I think that this one could use some reduction. I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

ms. vodka · 05-06-2008, 11:40 AM

dame: thanks m'lady. i am glad you like it as i always enjoy your work.

mac daddy: will do and yes, you know all of my poetry is written about you.

will: thank you very much. usually at edit i try to remove what is really, really personal. that's why i let them sit and cool for a bit... so i can move away from them. enjoyed reading your poem today, btw.

baron: you, sir, are correct. and thank you.

love all,
jen

Baron · 05-07-2008, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ms. vodka

dame: thanks m'lady. i am glad you like it as i always enjoy your work.

mac daddy: will do and yes, you know all of my poetry is written about you.

will: thank you very much. usually at edit i try to remove what is really, really personal. that's why i let them sit and cool for a bit... so i can move away from them. enjoyed reading your poem today, btw.

baron: you, sir, are correct. and thank you.

love all,
jen

I'm looking for you to show us what you've got with this one, Jen. It's too good to let slip.

ms. vodka · 05-08-2008, 12:03 PM

hey baron, thank you.

i really need to get on a few edits... but i am also thinking about writing a cinquain. we'll see.

gawd i cannot wait until term is over.

Sordello · 05-09-2008, 08:43 PM

Some solid lines in there MrsV. On the whole I don't make the connectons between the stanzas or even a general theme. Let me say that the first stanza is not good at all. It seems so trivial. But I thought this stanza was good.

Quote:

Although the girl in class
suffers skin squeezed
by belt and bra too small, I cannot
let you gaze
upon her tiny waist
or comprehend why
she would make
the unflattering choice
of blended beige on beige
on beige.
We cannot, together, feel
the pleasure of her
removing clothes, staring
at the welts
on her flesh in the mirror,
brushing her latte doll’s hair
alone.

That caught me. It felt real and honest. Plus that aroused me.

The rest of the poem was ok. I like the way your sentences flow.

peterphreak · 05-10-2008, 11:05 PM

Dear Absolute Vodka,

Thank you for your piece in advance. A second read is always best left dry, but how sweet your poetry is alone. So, here's my graffiti ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ms. vodka

I cannot make a river----------------) you're verse recalls a universe inside sweating for your next stanza
from this bead of sweat;
cannot create something significant
from my skin.

Although the boy with the tattooed-----------------------------) I can almost feel the studs on his belt
arms and clean hands delivers---------------------------------) from a straight man's perspective, that was kind of yucky
a smile with my pizza
and his eyes flash that look
of confirm this wordless
question, I cannot put your hands-----------------------------) Woah, the boy/my pizza/your hands ... i'm verklempt!
on his face or run your finger tips
across the studs of his belt.
I cannot put your tongue -------------------------) tongue/teeth/such a tease
on his perfect teeth
or look up but to say
thank you before ---------------------------------------) such sublime missed opportunities
I turn and walk away
alone.----------------------------------) The only thing in the world is simply "ONE"

Although the girl in class---------------------) ah, here's the connection, belt/alone/forlorn
suffers skin squeezed
by belt and bra too small, I cannot
let you gaze
upon her tiny waist--------------------) I can almost feel her cinched waist ...
or comprehend why
she would make
the unflattering choice
of blended beige on beige-----------------------) Love the Queen of the Bees who could not choose her drone, very tight here
on beige.
We cannot, together, feel
the pleasure of her
removing clothes, staring
at the welts
on her flesh in the mirror,
brushing her latte doll’s hair-------------------------) "latte doll's hair recalls the mocha of your prose
alone.

Although you are, still, you cannot -------------------) two ships/night/noir/did you or didn't you was what the crowd cheered
show me--------------------------------------) Or is everything just that first night to her knight?
your world
where you lay
on your back in your bed,
upon white rumpled sheets,
legs crossed, staring at the ceiling,
contemplating things
and listening ------------------------) listening listless
to music, traffic, television, --------) connecting cathecting empirical to phenomenological mundane reality
sounds,--------------------) resounding looping listening listless sounds
inhaling, exhaling
alone.------------------) Your use of "alone" by would-be-poets could be distracting, but you appeared to turn the tables sublimely
------------------------) Why is poetry like a dominatrix, pushing the pen ever deeper into the socket?
------------------------) Perchance just for a chance to be haplessly alone?

Wow, Vodka. You have a way to lead the reader topsy-turvy with the revolution of your missive. Sincerest thanks for keeping me from my painting. Your hues color my brain.