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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 05-03-2008, 06:56 AM   #1
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tumult



I was born in this world
Helpless by GOD’S word
I didn’t choose whom to be
“Neither”, parents, name “nor “nationality
I feel unworthy and so weak
Unable to change anything

Whenever I ponder about existence
I cry, lord limit between us the distance
In the ebb and flow of my thought
The devil finds his way to tempt
GOD I want to know
But, I don’t know how to do

Wow to the conscious brain
That in its veins begot
Nothing, but a moral tumult
However any therapeutic attempt
Seems useless and in vain

I was very optimistic
Life rosy and fulfilled dreams
I became pessimistic
Hopeless living without aims
Now I conclude
Once and for good


Life is unfair and dust
The other life is just
Oh! My soul wait
Who creates never forgets
So soul, sit still and rest.

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Old 05-03-2008, 10:17 AM   #2
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Posts: 309
Martin
Hi Tumult Mind and welcome to the forums.

In this piece you express many feelings, but it seems to me you describe them all to the end. Instead of letting the reader know exactly how it is, you should try and create imagery, so the reader can relate to it in his/her own way.

Example:
I feel unworthy and so weak
Unable to change anything

this could instead be

Worth no more than a starving dog
the world is my cage.

Just an example (and maybe not a very good one), but I hope you get the idea.

Keep it up

/m
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