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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
04-29-2008, 09:23 AM
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#1
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,590
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Know Thyself?
Know Thyself?
I took the dictum,
“Know thyself,” and tried
to find this person -
but the search exposed
____a wealth
____of grief
and a very painful lesson.
____If
you understand it, then
____it isn’t God,
Augustine wrote,
to impart the tiniest bit
in understanding
____who I’m not.
“To thine own self be true”,
said Will, a worthy proposition;
this proves to be
____a bitter pill
____when I know
my disposition;
for I get lost in dire denial,
living compromise;
with all my truths
now placed on trial,
dawdling with dark doubt
____and lies.
These philosophical gleanings,
____a painful
mental labour
____that reveals
my lack of meaning
and the need
____to find
_________a saviour…
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04-29-2008, 11:42 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Unsettled
Gender: Male
Posts: 248
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A very sincere introspection. I especially like the ending; discreetly expanding the picture.
/m
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04-29-2008, 01:29 PM
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#3
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: The dark side of the moon
Gender: Male
Posts: 137
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This may very well be my favorite of yours I've read so far. I have to agree with Martin about the ending. Kind of ties it all together as one of those "in conclusion" sort of stanzas. (I also thought having the title in the form of a question was a bit of a nice touch to the overall meaning). Kudos and Kudos again.
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04-29-2008, 02:43 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,590
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin
A very sincere introspection. I especially like the ending; discreetly expanding the picture.
/m
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Thanks for the comment Martin. I'm glad that it works for you. |
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04-29-2008, 03:56 PM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,100
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Know Thyself?
I took the dictum,
“Know thyself,” and tried
to find this person -
but the search exposed
____a wealth
____of grief
and a very painful lesson. Good opening, although the format jars a bit.
____If
you understand it, then
____it isn’t God,
Augustine wrote,
to impart the tiniest bit
in understanding
____who I’m not. Sweet stanza.
“To thine own self be true”,
said Will, a worthy proposition;
this proves to be
____a bitter pill
____when I know
my disposition; Good rhythm. Getting used to the indentations.
for I get lost in dire denial,
living compromise;
with all my truths
now placed on trial,
dawdling with dark doubt I can't help but wonder if there is a better word you can use here, rather than "dawdling".
____and lies.
These philosophical gleanings,
____a painful
mental labour
____that reveals
my lack of meaning
and the need
____to find
_________a saviour…
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Good piece.
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
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05-03-2008, 02:32 AM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Just west of the Cascade Mountains....couple miles from the pacific ocean puget sound
Gender: Male
Posts: 272
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Know Thyself?
now placed on trial,
dawdling with dark doubt........ I agree...maybe robed, cast, flirting, no need for
____and lies. .........................complication.
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Now placed on trial,
Flirting with dark doubt
and lies.
I like this word better but loved the poem all the same exellent
Gate
__________________
 " Imagine if all you ever did was kill for God. What kind of being would you be? An Angel sword dripping, your wings always dipped in blood.....Imagine."
Last edited by Gate : 05-03-2008 at 02:38 AM.
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05-03-2008, 02:24 PM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,590
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Shabooki and Edge: Thanks for the comment and thanks for giving me something to think about, Edge.
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05-03-2008, 03:38 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: America
Gender: Female
Posts: 359
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____who I’m not.
I think, Whom I am not would be better. (i'm not sure about the whom though) Very good work Baron. I'm impressed.
__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me
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05-04-2008, 09:45 AM
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#9
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,590
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I'm not sure about the "whom" or "who" issue myself, just that to me "who" works better. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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05-04-2008, 09:15 PM
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#10
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,590
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gate
Now placed on trial,
Flirting with dark doubt
and lies.
I like this word better but loved the poem all the same exellent
Gate
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I'm still giving some thought to that line so thanks for the suggestions. |
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05-06-2008, 08:53 AM
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#11
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: England, the beautiful southwest.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,980
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dawdling with dark doubt
I think this could be: dwelling with dark doubt. I think it is a better fit in terms of describing the action/inaction and works better in tandem with dark and doubt.
Just one nit in a really good piece, Lord B.
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05-06-2008, 11:21 AM
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#12
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Addict
Join Date: Jan 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 194
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Very nice Baron, dawdling works for me, however so does flirting. Good work indeed here.
__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll
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05-07-2008, 05:45 AM
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#13
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,590
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Thanks Mermaid and SLD. I'm still giving thought to that line.
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05-07-2008, 06:43 AM
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#14
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,328
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do not like flirting, dawdling captures the doubt is stopping you from moving on, flirting takes it somewhere else...
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05-07-2008, 08:49 AM
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#15
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,174
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Love the quirky rhythm. I agree with dannyboy, also dawdling works on the alliterative level as well. Good use of quotes within the piece. Nice one Baron.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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