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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 04-28-2008, 10:09 PM   #1
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jetzeppelin
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Sing with the Sun

Byncio ag heula , celwydda ag 'r leuad
And the sun was his friend,

rising with it every day,
a friend nearer than his heart,

Metal men clad in orange,
with lions upon the breast,

ceasingly pursuing,
giving the Celt not a bit of rest,

Hills he crested,
mountains trespassed,

His steed was stolid,
but even it gave rest,

stopping to sip from,
springs so clean,

the Welshman drinks,
draughts deep and long,

for it will be his last,
the English closed in the night past,

as he kneeled, to wash his face,
a arrow in the neck sealed his fate

Now everyday he sings,
sings with the sun,
and lies with the moon,

And his spirit shines like Seirius,
and his breath leans on the Sun.
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Last edited by jetzeppelin : 05-07-2008 at 07:56 PM.
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Old 05-07-2008, 07:57 PM   #2
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bump

bump
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"GOAT IN"-Legend of Zelda: the Twilight Princess

Oh s**t they deleted my signature, again? They did really! Wow. It was really offensive then.

Check out my "story" in the Fiction section FALL OF THE MAGICIAN, my opus maximus. http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=63988
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Old 05-11-2008, 09:55 AM   #3
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I think you should drop the Welsh from the first line. Maybe move it into later in the piece. I believe that may be waht put people of commenting.
Quite liked some of the images here though.

Should be 'an' arrow in the neck.

Maybe cut off some of the repeat words also.

Just some suggestions.

Regards

Jack
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