Quezalcoatl (The Bird) - Writers Forum

jetzeppelin · 04-28-2008, 09:49 PM

Quetzalcoatl (The Bird)

Mountains float where they should not be,
Towering feathers high above the edge,
Of the place where they believed the end,
Monstrous minions of mottled metal tend,

Such treasure ne’re glimpsed before,
By the jungle man of the distant shore

High upon the lofty temple crest,
The King is throned, feathers on his breast,
Feathers in his hair, blood in his hair,

A brown thumb against soft flesh,
Where the air directs in and out,

For the mountains bring the Bird God,
As of the old way, blood must be spilt,

Heads roll and hearts removed,
Ragdolls tumbling down the steps,
Of Shangri-La
Of Moctezuma’s Shangri-La,

The Bird steps ashore,
Shiny metal, thunder-sticks and more,

The people of death would soon fade away,
To pave a home for Cortez’ fray.

For Moctezuma,
The sun would dawn,
On the last of his days.

jetzeppelin · 05-07-2008, 07:57 PM

lin · 05-07-2008, 09:01 PM

Some problems. Moctezuma has nothing to do with Shangri La, which most readers know.

It's a mistake to use those "po8" things like "ne'er" in modern poetry. BUt if you do, might as well spell it like everybody else does.

It's got a lot of unnecessary obscurity. Stuff like the odd use of "tend" just comes off as forcing a rhyme without regard for communication.

Some of this is interesting. "The bird steps ashore" concept is pretty cool.

jetzeppelin · 05-08-2008, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lin

Some problems. Moctezuma has nothing to do with Shangri La, which most readers know.

It's a mistake to use those "po8" things like "ne'er" in modern poetry. BUt if you do, might as well spell it like everybody else does.

It's got a lot of unnecessary obscurity. Stuff like the odd use of "tend" just comes off as forcing a rhyme without regard for communication.

Some of this is interesting. "The bird steps ashore" concept is pretty cool.

Hey writer dude. Shangri-La is a metaphor, and from my CW Professor, there aren't too many rules to poetry. It's about imagery, it's about saying something, sometimes not clearly.

thx for crit

lin · 05-08-2008, 10:12 AM

Your CW professor is full of shit.
"Saying something" isn't poetry, it's ranting and squawking.

Shawn · 05-09-2008, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jetzeppelin

Hey writer dude. Shangri-La is a metaphor, and from my CW Professor, there aren't too many rules to poetry. It's about imagery, it's about saying something, sometimes not clearly.

thx for crit

Don't trust your professors. They have their own agendas and they certainly do not want to teach people to be better than themselves.

Pete_C · 05-09-2008, 05:23 PM

Those that can...