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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
04-28-2008, 02:03 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Posts: 155
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Insignificant
*Original*
Insignificant
So certain I may twist the tide
how youthful, overzealous...
Shrill laughter held above,
Inside--
The moon seems slightly jealous
Entrust--
Expressing wanderlust
She may be the mountains,
the stars, and the sky
though we're merely specks of dust
Inhale--
A gentle breeze destroys the ocean
as we breath in deeply--
The winds upon our sail...
*Revision(1)*
Insignificant
So certain I may twist the tide
how youthful, overzealous...
Shrill laughter held above,
Inside--
The moon seems slightly jealous
Entrust--
Expressing wanderlust
She may be mountains,
stars, and sky
though we're mere specks of dust
Inhale--
A gentle breeze destroys the ocean
and we breath in deeply--
the winds upon our sail...
Last edited by ShabookiSkittles : 05-04-2008 at 09:39 PM.
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04-28-2008, 05:43 PM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,383
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moons?
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04-28-2008, 07:37 PM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: melbourne, australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 436
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShabookiSkittles
So certain I may twist the tide
how youthful, overzealous...
Shrill laughter held above,
Inside--
The moon seems slightly jealous
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i love that part  |
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04-28-2008, 08:09 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: America
Gender: Female
Posts: 402
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I've changed your poem ever so slightly to what I think would flow better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShabookiSkittles
Insignificant
So certain I may twist the tide
how youthful, overzealous...
Shrill laughter held above
Inside--
The moon seems slightly jealous.
Entrust--
Expressing wanderlust
She may be mountains,
stars, and sky
though we're merely specks of dust.
Inhale--
A gentle breeze destroys the ocean
as we breath in deeply--
The winds upon our sail...I'm not changing this because its so different. It lacks the original rhyme scheme and even has one less line than the others. Try to make it conform more to the rest of the poem, or make it have a real big punch!
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I enjoyed this, although the last stanza lost my attention. Keep writing shabooki, you spit out poems so fast its like your a machine!
__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me
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04-29-2008, 06:33 AM
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#5
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Posts: 155
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Thanks you for your kind review ash. Good call on moons, dannyboy (where the hell did I get moons?) I'm glad you pointed out the unnecessary length of the middle stanza. I'll see If I can fix up the last a bit as well. Thank you for your machine comment too.  I didn't even really realize I could write til' about a month ago. |
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05-04-2008, 07:41 PM
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#6
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,848
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShabookiSkittles
*Original*
Insignificant
So certain I may twist the tide
how youthful, overzealous...
Shrill laughter held above,
Inside--
The moon seems slightly jealous
Entrust--
Expressing wanderlust
She may be the mountains,
th stars, and the sky typo - "the"
though we're merely specks of dust
Inhale--
A gentle breeze destroys the ocean
as we breath in deeply--
The winds upon our sail...
*Revision(1)*
Insignificant
So certain I may twist the tide
how youthful, overzealous...
Shrill laughter held above,
Inside--
The moon seems slightly jealous
Entrust--
Expressing wanderlust
She may be mountains,
stars, and sky
though we're merely specks of dust
Inhale--
A gentle breeze destroys the ocean
and we breath in deeply--
the winds upon our sail...
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