Martin

In tame and wild my heart divide.
My flag lower, surrender.
I'm trapped in and by
my savannah, my lioness, my cooling affliction
watering
this dry wasteland - my roaming soul
seattle a night.

CMM_Kaleido

I like the ambiance in this piece. Susceptibility and sensations are swirling in my head.

Just a few comments that I hesitate to mention, because I know you've said before that English is your second language--so beyond impressive to my lame little one-language brain.

In tame and wild my heart divides. I'd suggest removing 'In.' The open may hit a little harder and cleaner, in keeping with the fresh sparseness of this piece. I think that the meaning comes through without it. Subject-verb agreement here should be heart divides (singular noun to singular verb, which has an 's,' yes, I know how does that make sense.)
My flag lowers, surrender. Same thing here. My grammar is rusting, so if you had other intentions for this line I apologize.
I'm trapped in and by If you really want both of these I would suggest a line break after in to give the reader a moment to digest the difference in meaning between the two.
my savannah, my lioness, my cooling affliction
watering
this dry wasteland - my roaming soul
seattle a night. Seattle at night? Also, do you mean the city Seattle? I think the connection missed me.

Again, interesting read. Thanks.

MisterJack

It's a bit cheap, but I will have to go along with all of CMM's suggestions. It is an interesting read and with the tidy up offered above, I think it will be much more accessible.

Good read Martin

Jack

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--------------

Martin

Halted flight

Tame and wild my heart divides.
My flag lowers, surrenders.
I'm trapped in
and by
my savannah, my lioness, my cooling affliction
watering
this dry wasteland - my roaming soul
will rest a night.



Thanks alot Kaleido for the "clean-up". I have no excuse for my bad grammar, I agree in having the line-break after "in", and for the last line I now changed it to what I originally wrote (before posting). Maybe "tonight" instead of "a night" will make it more accessible, but I kindda like the openness in "a night".

Thanks to you Mister Jack for reading and commenting.

/m

MisterJack

Perhaps, to avoid ending the line with 'in', you could try it like this.....

I'm trapped
in and by my savannah,
my lioness, my cooling affliction


Just a thought, see what others think.

Hope this helps

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Baron

The edit is good. I think that you could play around with the enjambment on the longer lines but that's a rhythm thing. Good poem.

__________________

dannyboy

My flag lower, surrender.
I'm trapped in and by
my savannah, my lioness, my cooling affliction

Martin, sonically, I prefer this version of the 3 lines, surrender/by/savannah
and in and by/lion -ess

so maybe add the s for the lowers by I before surrender to keep the other sounds?

so it becomes
My flag lowers, I surrender.
I'm trapped in and by
my savannah, my lioness, my cooling affliction

CMM_Kaleido

I see what you intended for the last line now. Settle a night (as in rest not Seattle, I get it). In which case, I totally agree about 'a night'-- works beautifully.

Just to throw in my vote:

--I like dannyboy's suggestion for

My flag lowers, I surrender.


--but I like MisterJack's suggestion for

I'm trapped
in and by my savannah,
my lioness, my cooling affliction

(He's right about that 'in' hanging out there. What was I thinking?)

Glad you came back to this piece.

Martin

Halted flight

Tame and wild my heart divides.
My flag lowers, I surrender.
I'm trapped in and by
my savannah, my lioness, my cooling affliction
watering
this dry wasteland - my roaming soul
settles a night





Mister Jack I agree the "in" was hanging and now it's "in and by" hanging, but I like the center-line "my savannah, my lioness, my cooling affliction" as it is the turning-point of the whole piece. Maybe I should find another way of leading to it..

Dannyboy your suggestion is welcomed. This way I can keep my bad grammar..

Baron thanks for the advice. I see what you mean, but as it is short and rather free-form I will take my freedom to let it be this way.

Kaleido, "settles a night" it shall be. This I prefer.

Thank you all very much for your kindness. Your comments are much appreciated.

Cheers
/m

Foxee

Martin, I am so glad that as you've edited the poem it hasn't lost the meaning or the ambiance. "my cooling affliction" is possibly one of my favorite lines from this piece.

Nothing to add, really, just wanted to let you know I enjoyed this brief poem.

~F.

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Martin

Thanks to you Foxee.

Ilasir Maroa

I really likethe idea of that first line, Martin. I have to say that "in and by" doesn't work here, because the following three nouns are not all in the same category. "savannah" fits "in", "lioness" fits "by", and "cooling affliction" fits both. Not sure how you could rewrite it and keep the original meaning, though. Also, did you mean "affection" or "affliction"? Does "affliction refer to your "divided heart"?

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Martin

Halted flight

Tame and wild my heart divides.
My flag lowers, I surrender.
Trapped
in my savannah,
by my lioness -
my cooling affliction
watering
this dry wasteland - my roaming soul
settles a night.




Thanks for reading and commenting Ilasir. Maybe this is the best way after all. And yes, I definitly meant afliction...

/m