Edgewise

Bah humbug...


Bleary eyes dart fitfully at the broad expanse of sky,
Liquored up with insolence; an egoists design,
Frostbitten and smitten with the dislocated arrangement,
Of a universe in chaos; deranged and inflamed with entropy,
A sentry bears witness and watches the heavens for a sign of god,
That’s all well and good,
Except that god cannot be understood,
By mathematical meanderings,
Or cosmetic commercials,
Nor universal memes,
Radio signals reflected off the energy of vessels,
Nestled deep within the orbit of our used planet.

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How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"

Lagomorph

Not sure about the "Bah humbug" but really rate the poem. Particularly enjoyed the rhymes within the lines, great technique.

Lagomorph

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I saw the best minds of my generation connected to broadband so I thought I'd best join them...

MisterJack

I didn't mind the 'Bah Humbug' at all. I thought it was cool.
This flows well for me and the only point it doesn't is here....

'A sentry bears witness and watches the heavens for a sign of god,'

just reads a bit long for the piece IMO.
Again, nice flow and good rhymes. A pleasure to read you again, Edge.

Jack

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Baron

I disagree about that line, it has the same number of beats as the line preceding it. This is another good piece that asks for another reading. You don't seem to be posting a great deal at the moment so I agree with Jack that it's good to see.

Rob

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CMM_Kaleido

The only problem I had with Bah humbug was the fact that it was in a different font, which had me wondering if I was missing something. . .but perhaps that is just an oversight.

I like this piece. The images and the message. When I read your work my mind pulls out certain words and creates the feeling for me. I think this happens more so with your work because of the longer lines and the amount of punch-packing words. For example, the emotion this piece evokes is built on

Bleary
insolence; egoists design,
smitten dislocated
deranged entropy,
sentry sign of god,
understood,
mathematical meanderings,
reflected vessels,
Nestled deep

(I apologize for mangling your poem for purposes of demonstration.) I think one of the reasons that I enjoy your pieces so much is because of the dual read, the total read and the one created by "jumping" words.

Just one note:
Nestled deep within the orbit of our used planet.
My head keeps wanting to read an extra syllable in this line mis-used. I am not suggesting you change the word. I may be the only one whose odd brain stumbles here.

Sorry for the ramble. This was not so much a useful review, as a sharing session.

Edgewise

They are called, "multi's". Glad you liked this Lago.

I have thought about changing that, but can't think of anything to replace it with. Thanks for reading Jack.

Thanks Rob.

Bah humbug was there as a comment about the poem, rather than as a part of it. I will leave it though, since some of you seem to feel it adds something. No need to apologize. You simply point out what had the most resonance to you. Everything was in order. It makes me feel very good that you get the dual feeling as you read my work. It makes me feel as if I have suceeded at something. Not sure what, but something. I see what you mean about adding another syllable. Once I find one to add, I will edit the piece. Thanks for reading Kaleido.

__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"