Jon1jt

Removed.

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"He was nauseous with regret when he saw her face again, and when, as of yore, he pleaded and begged at her knees for the joy of her being. She understood Neal; she stroked his hair; she knew he was mad."
---Jack Kerouac, On The Road: The Original Scroll

Jon1jt

My poeeeem, you like?

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"He was nauseous with regret when he saw her face again, and when, as of yore, he pleaded and begged at her knees for the joy of her being. She understood Neal; she stroked his hair; she knew he was mad."
---Jack Kerouac, On The Road: The Original Scroll

Lagomorph

I'll be honest, the jury is out for me. I'm think I'd prefer to see it dramatically pared down. I'm also struggling to accept the last four lines of the first stanza not being a separate stanza on their own.

Lagomorph

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I saw the best minds of my generation connected to broadband so I thought I'd best join them...

Sweets America

That's a difficult one, Jon. I prefer the second stanza, but I still like the first one. But I think they both relate to each other somehow, though I'm not sure how. I see the speaker wandering through life with the image of those ruined cars and then you somehow talk about that in the second stanza too. The image of that girl picking screws from the dirt, I cannot say how I feel about it, I mean, I feel things and I like it but it's impossible for me to put words on it. It's a very difficult poem for me to comment on because I'm really not sure what you mean. But I feel there is something very nice in it, it appeals to me.

The whole seconds stanza is very good, I love the three first lines, it's so true to me anyway, and then those lines about the speaker's mother are quite beautiful.

I am sorry that I cannot really comment on your poem, it gets blocked somehwere in my throat, what I have to say, I cannot find the words. I really feel there is something in the first stanza which represents life and what we all search in it, and how this world is somehow like a big chaos with death all around and we wonder what we're doing here when at times we cannot find our way or we cannot have what we wished we would have had. I like the fact, also, that the two characters in this strange world exchange a quick glance, it is strong because it echoes what you say in the second stanza between the speaker and his mother, this distance between them and this cry for closeness.

Oh I don't know, maybe I'm all wrong. One thing I know, however, is that you need to PM me as soon as you can because I miss your madness.

Jon1jt

Lago: Thanks for reading and the suggestions, much appreciated.

Sweets: I want to say that I really enjoyed reading your interpretation of my poesy, very interesting, cool stuff there. Oh, as far as pming you...maybe I just did, or will, yippeee!

__________________
"He was nauseous with regret when he saw her face again, and when, as of yore, he pleaded and begged at her knees for the joy of her being. She understood Neal; she stroked his hair; she knew he was mad."
---Jack Kerouac, On The Road: The Original Scroll