ShabookiSkittles

*Original*

Rec Nam-Orcen

I will set you free...
For all that you do
Is that which I choose to see.

Entwine yourself...
My brother as another lover,
Spare my wrists the fear --
I see your soul inside blind eyes
Your gaze grows ever nearer.

Silence grows --
though beauty knows no bounds
Even in death we rekindle the flame
No shame, no shame --

Tis' always the same

*Revision (2)*

Shameless

I will set you free...
All that you do
Is that which I choose to see.

Entwine thyself...
Each other as another lover,
Spare my wrists the fear --
I see your soul inside your eyes
Your gaze grows ever nearer

Silence grows --
though beauty knows no bounds
Even in death we rekindle the flame
No shame, no shame --

Tis' always the same

Baron

This is a good read. I'm uncertain about the necessity of the last line.

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ShabookiSkittles

Hmm.... I'll have to to see If I can make that last line better. the line itself sort of symbolizes how, in the long run, things will always be the same despite the comparatively trivial bullcrap in your own life. Mayhaps I could tweak it a bit.

Baron

The trick is to do it in such a way that the readers pull it out of the poem for themselves whereas this really spells it out for them.

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Lagomorph

Just a suggestion, how about "this day is next"? It works for me.
Not at all sure about the title.

Lagomorph

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I saw the best minds of my generation connected to broadband so I thought I'd best join them...

winkash

Necromancer or necrophiliac?

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"All, all is theft, all is unceasing and rigorous competition in nature; the desire to make off with the substance of others is the foremost - the most legitimate - passion nature has bred into us and, without doubt, the most agreeable one."
Marquis de Sade

Martin

Nice piece. Stylish and the verses stand well in continuation. I prefer the revised version, but still in the first verse, the two "which"s should be avoided in my opinion.

/m