MisterJack

deleted

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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ash somers

i followed write along the merry path quite easily until the last few lines

*reads over them again*

i think i see history, repeating itself as well as, learning the hard way ?

and i hope you don't mind me asking
you know how you guys do the indent thingy
is there any logical pattern sequence or base rules
that you use to decide what goes where, why and how
i think i need an explanation so i can fully appreciate the art

thanks in advance

Martin

The merry path, though delightful and refreshing, may have some weak points:

with their intent
on making nothing
but a fool of him
and his good deeds

This, I think, reads too easily as one line. Otherwise I enjoy the word-placement-style you often use. The authors explanation would definitly be interesting.

/m

CMM_Kaleido

Wonderful, all the way through. So many 'big' thoughts and personal consequences so well melded.

Holy
in his rightful mind
and blind
to course a shipping forecast
____North
_______of John O’Groats
to stop the boats from smashing
__through the cliffs of lyric
as the cynics rub their eyes
___________________with salt

The images, the flow, and the ideas are undeniably captivating here.

While hearing your reasoning would always be interesting, I don't have a problem with the indents. Breathing room is a wonderful thing and the variation in effect due to length is like moving a finger up and down a violin string to produce subtle variations. It was actually something I hadn't contemplated until I started seeing it in your work.

I also love how you manage the no punctuation.

Matthatter

That poor cynic, convincing himself that his outlooks are healthy because, well, fuck everyone else!

He "knows" he's God incarnate, yet drunkingly steers himself into wreckage, scratching his eyes with the salt of forced disillusionment.

All the nutters blah blah blah as they anxiously, desperately reflexively calculate delusions to create a complex, 'no law'-abiding by universe in grotesquely shaped to serve a baby's ego.

I really enjoyed reading this. Your indents made it flow better for me, I intuitively understood how they suggesed how the line should be read.

I don't understand "father's" at the end though... father's one? Maybe it's obvious but I don't get it, so it made me sortof stumble right at the end when it was reading veryyyy nicely the entire way through.

I also really dug the lack of punctuation.

Baron

There's a great flow to this one, Jack. A little more lucid than some of your recent stuff which, to me, is not a bad thing.

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MisterJack

Thank you all for reading and the comments. Some interesting questions.

I suppose I should give a breif explaination, as it's been requested

The indents are to maintain flow, to guide the reader through with fluidity (hopefully) and there really should be no need to punctuate or litter with any other device/gimmick. The poem should work alone in creating breaks, pauses, breathing space (as CMM put it so kindly).
When structuring a piece like this, I just break where I feel a pause is needed or for emphasis with certain phrases/lines/words. E.E. Cummings has many poems with this device, some of them are extreme, but it works well in guiding the reader through fluidly, as I've already mentioned, if done correctly.

Martin, I wanted to keep that sentence simple to maintain the flow. I will consider altering slightly but everyone else seems happy with it, so.......

Matthatter, that 'Father's' means.......
'until the lesson from his father is one that he will wish that he had learned'

I hope that clarifies the ending for you.


again, thank you all for reading.

Kind regards

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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ash somers

sweet and thanks

SadLuckDame

Fantastic and this line is so memorable, it makes you really consider his thoughts, well done.

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

T.W. North

Hmm, I'm not so good a poetry myself, more lyrics man, but I know enough about flow to know there are some slightly dodgy parts. For instance:

where the birth of man
turned into something worse
________________than viral

just doesn't sit well with me. There's something that makes the tounge fumble. But I like your message, and the quirky way you put it across. Refreshing.

Edgewise

Those last few lines! Wow. Normally not a fan of odd formatting, but it does seem to work here. This is, rhythmically, one of the best pieces I have seen from you Jack. In addition, the imagery was quite vivid. Salt in the eyes, the carnival...I've wanted to incorporate the word masturbation in a piece for a long time now...the word is full of implications. Anyhoo, great piece.

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How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"

MisterJack

Ash, no problem at all.

SLD, thank you soo much for the kind words. Glad you liked it

T.W.North, thank you for reading and commenting. I write lyrics at times also but poetry is more my 'bag'. I'm glad this piece 'refreshed' you.

Edgewise, thanks man, I know you're not fond of odd formatting, so if this works for you then that's fucking ace mate. Thank you

Jack

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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