Foxee

I am not loved
in a blaze of ceremony
Not loved
with lavish things

Fault lines
trembling puzzle
pieces of us

I am not loved
in sparkling baubles
Not loved
with fading petals

Tear bitter roots
from our
garden

Holding my
thoughts away
let me ask

Am I loved?

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Baron

With the title, "Fault Lines" and the question "Am I loved?", all I can do is to ask if the earth moved for you?

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ash somers

um, i don't know, let me ask, are you lovable ?

conventional materialistic relationships
rarely sustain the love, beyond
the romantic myth
ending ...

imho, that's werth
writing a poem about
but that's not what i hear

for me this piece teeters on
a personal emotional diary entry
and something potentially righteous

if written less personally
there's quite a poignant
universal message here

it could be about us all
not just an insular
you and me
narrative

just my two cents werth

Foxee

LOL...thank you Baron and Ash.

Ash, I particularly like how you responded in poetic form. You caught me...yes, this was the substitute for a good cry and written in about fifteen minutes. You're absolutely right that it could be made more universal. Maybe now that I've had my little fit I can re-think it that way.

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BOURBON

I thought it a perfect little particle. It would be a shame to dress it all up when it says so much naked. Made me gulp anyway, and I don't poem...
BB

Ilasir Maroa

Maybe a bit too big on the materialism images. I think smaller is better for a poem this personal.

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My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

Foxee

Thanks for reading, Bourbon, I'm glad there was emotion in it for more than just me. Odd that you say 'naked' because I had the feeling that I'd just taken my clothes off on the forum. This is actually something I wouldn't put in my journal but I'd put on the forum...not sure about the psychology of that.

Thanks, Ilasir, but it's not about materialism. It's about the hurt of being forgotten by someone you love when it comes to gift-giving occasions.

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Ilasir Maroa

Okay, must have been undul influenced by ash's comment, but the point I'm making is that "blaze of ceremony" to me seemed out of place here. Everything else seemed to fit though.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

ms. vodka

first of all i'd drop the last line as question and make that the title. then maybe just for consideration of something different:

I am not loved
in a blaze of ceremony
Nor with lavish things

Fault lines
trembling puzzle
pieces of us

I am not loved
in sparkling baubles
Nor with fading petals

Tear bitter roots
from our
garden

Holding my
thoughts away
(then of course your last line would have to be changed up.)





the only reason i suggest this route is because in a poem so short, it often robs tension when you use repetition. losing the unnecessary can often strengthen a piece. i know you know all this though, foxee and hope you're not offended by me putting my hands on your work. it really is a beautiful poem.

jen

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my finger's on the trigger and my eyes are on the prize

Foxee

Hmm...it really does read more smoothly that way, Jen, and drops some unnecessary words. However, does it rob the question at the end of its power if the repetition is removed? The question is the heart of it.

Not sure I agree about the ending change but I'll consider it. Somewhat enamored of the title as it is since it holds a double meaning.

Thanks for your input, too, Ilasir. I understand what you're saying.

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