Oh, Tape Recorder - Writers Forum

Pale Gallery · 04-23-2008, 08:50 PM

I read the letter, left on the mantelpiece.
You said something about "tubes" that I didn't understand.
So get out! No, I'm being.

In the block... around, should I say, lived a little squirt.
I chased him from 9 to 5, for about double the time I was intending.
Quite loud, but I'm really small.

I want to thank you for your warmth and compassion.
It was a long day.

Twice as long as I was intending.

Mirror · 04-24-2008, 08:26 AM

Pale-

As you may have gathered, I have enjoyed your work in the past. Whilst others might deem it spurious, to me, it comes across as sincere - seemingly random, but imbued with a kind of nonchalance that assuages emotive subjects.

This piece is no exception, although I have a few suggestions:

I read the letter, left on the mantelpiece.

^ (The comma creates syntactic ambiguities. Was the letter on the mantelpiece - the more plausible interpretation - or did the narrator somehow leave on the mantelpiece? I understand the second version appears laughable, but, the way you have inserted the comma, it seems that you are enumerating two consecutive actions.)

-Enjambment: I see you are opting for longer verses, so as to convey the drudgery and the drone, but a few more line breaks might salvage this poem from becoming prosaic - for you already have a conversational style here.

Otherwise, this work very well - even the tautology.

Best,
Mirror

Baron · 04-24-2008, 10:54 AM

I always love your stuff, PG. No tips no crit.

vandygal2010 · 04-24-2008, 07:04 PM

lovely

CMM_Kaleido · 04-24-2008, 11:51 PM

Thoroughly enjoyed. To echo Mirror, the sincerity and frankness create an appealing voice.

ms. vodka · 04-25-2008, 01:25 AM

i disagree. you do have a voice and a sort of style, but the abstraction is just too much. it's overboard, and for me that cancels out the sincerity and makes it feel like you're trying too hard. in the long run, this amount of abstraction will throw your readers because pieces which are consistently out of reach become tedious.

jen

Pale Gallery · 04-25-2008, 01:00 PM

I think we've been over the "trying to hard" thing before.
I can't be bothered trying to hard. It never pays off, as far as I can see.
People that spend hours and hours of their lives writing novels, trying to get stuff published. I have no reason to try hard.

I'm not trying to prove anything.

Thanks CMM, Vandygal2010 (what is the 2010 a reference to?) and Baron why don't you have any tips or crit? Is it because of that whole thing a while back when I said "I don't need crit" or something ridiculous, to that effect? I don't think I meant it.

I've always been surprised that you enjoy my work Mirror and flattered because well, you have a much more sincere writing style which I envy. I wish I could be honest and meaningful in a much more straightforward way like that.

I read the letter that was left on the mantelpiece, but I also left the mantelpiece.
There wasn't enough room for me all.

I like the word 'drone' you used in your analysis and I agree, although it works with the way I write, the epic stanzas (they've been bigger) are tiresome at times, especially for me to read back. Probably why I hate editing so much.

I will really take on board your analysis while writing the next one, Mirror.

Cheers.

P.S. Vodka, would you have commented if Baron hadn't?

Ilasir Maroa · 04-25-2008, 02:10 PM

I enjoyed the first two verses, Pale, and I don't see them as abstract at all, but I think you left the middle out in this piece, because the second to last stanza is right from the wild blue yonder, connection wise.

I always enjoy reading your pieces for themselves, and for the varying response dynamics. It's always interesting to see the conversation and the differences of opinion among several of my favourite members on this board.

MisterJack · 04-25-2008, 02:45 PM

Well it reads sincere to me. I also have liked your work and missed seeing it on here, so it's a refreshing change.
As to the piece, I agree the enjambment could be tightened but i liked the mood the piece represents. It's lively, colourful and right up my street, so thank you for posting it.

Regards

Jack

ms. vodka · 04-25-2008, 02:50 PM

well pale, mostly i was just trying to say, in as nicest a way as possible, that the poem doesn't make any sense.

and although you might not be trying too hard, it appears that way.

i could lie to you if you wish, or bullshit you, or avoid your threads if you don't want to actually workshop what you write, but are only posting to be told it's good.

and what are you implying with the Baron comment anyway?

jen

Pale Gallery · 04-25-2008, 04:26 PM

I don't want to start another Voodoo-era tiff Vodka, I haven't been here for a while. I haven't even had chance to read others work yet.

So this is the last comment I will post on this topic.

It seems strange that you would make assumptions about my intent when you don't know me as a person.

Like I said, I have nothing to prove. I'm not trying to get my poems published, I'm not a poet, I'm a musician, I'm not relying on people to tell me if my work is good or bad. If I was I would simply put "Iz dis gud??" at the end of each poem. Or should I put "You are allowed to tell me if this poem is bad, I don't mind, HONEST!"

I have no problem with someone telling me they don't like my poems, but for some reason, I feel as though you are criticizing me as a human being.

ms. vodka · 04-25-2008, 08:11 PM

i am not voodoo, nor am i related to voodoo in any way, nor do i want to have a voodoo style argument with you.

i merely dropped a critique on your poem same as i do with everyone else.

if i wanted it to be personal, you would have definitely felt the difference.

i'm not making assumptions about your intent, i'm telling you how it reads to me. it may not read that way to everyone - but it does to me.

you don't have to ask for critique at the end of your poem because i think it is assumed that when you post your work on a workshop intensive forum, people will leave honest critique.

unless they're just telling you what you want to hear so you will do the same.