The Whale's Maw - Writers Forum

jetzeppelin · 04-23-2008, 01:01 PM

The Whale's Maw

Like an avalanche I slid from bed,
golden and Godly things caught in a snowy swath,
But I held onto my cigarettes and beer,
as the voices of the stars beckoned me,
Eternity where I held my cigarettes,
Stars exploding into fantastic existence,
as i sipped my beer from the safety,
of the stars that man knew so well,

from singularity all came forth,
from the dust came flesh,
from nonexistence, came being,
Lazarus came forth,
but I hold onto the stars,
which man knows so well,

Golden and godly things i did dream,
But Fomalhaut purged his gullet of me,
and the ways of humanity i now see.

nacreous · 04-23-2008, 06:05 PM

impressive imagery, and a great vocabulary. It could use more of something to hold it together. Intersting point in second stanza, but how do you know? There could be some kind of proof for this very universal statement. Oh yeah, how about letting the reader himself come to this stunning conclusion, instead of just telling them? I mean, it is important to you that they learn this, right? So, let them figure it out with your initial steps. Don't take them there by the hand, just point in the right direction, and then the lesson will be well-learned. You know what I mean. Good luck with this, it has alot of potential. Cheers.

ms. vodka · 04-25-2008, 01:22 AM

gorgeous but i think you could drop that last stanza cause it ain't doing chit for either you or the poem.

agreed on the imagery.

a pleasure.

jen

jetzeppelin · 04-28-2008, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nacreous

impressive imagery, and a great vocabulary. It could use more of something to hold it together. Intersting point in second stanza, but how do you know? There could be some kind of proof for this very universal statement. Oh yeah, how about letting the reader himself come to this stunning conclusion, instead of just telling them? I mean, it is important to you that they learn this, right? So, let them figure it out with your initial steps. Don't take them there by the hand, just point in the right direction, and then the lesson will be well-learned. You know what I mean. Good luck with this, it has alot of potential. Cheers.

I'm not confirming existence from abeing, exactly the opposite,this poem is all about losing one religions. Especially christianity. Thanks for the kind words people=)