Sleepless Heat - Writers Forum

Farror · 04-22-2008, 10:10 PM

In the layered grey heat
of an endless summer night
I lay.
A deceptively dark inferno
of stress-dreams
and damp, twisted sheets.
Each breath is empty,
a ritual exchange
of oxygen for air.
Every lethargic motion,
a model of indolent efficacy.

mandax · 04-22-2008, 10:25 PM

Very good descriptions. I could feel the heat and the entanglement. Not too sure I like the phrase "deceptively dark inferno," though "stress-dreams and damp, twisted sheets" is my favorite part.

Farror · 04-22-2008, 10:42 PM

Thanks for your time. I'm actually rather partial to deceptively dark inferno. I thought it was useful to portray just how desperatly hot it is, and yet, it's in the night, and there's no sun, or apparent source for the heat.

CMM_Kaleido · 04-22-2008, 10:50 PM

Very much enjoyed this piece: the flow and the precisely chosen words.

Worth mentioning again--I loved the flow!

papertears · 04-23-2008, 02:23 AM

The imagery is very powerful, the sensuality is equally so. As I read this aloud the first and second time, I not only began to see pictures but to feel the heat, the stress, and most of all the too familiar sensations of "damp, twisted sheets!"

Those last five lines are brilliant. The punctuation helps define the flow which is very key. I wouldn't touch those.

The first lines are amazing, but to me seem like they could be more powerful if they were ordered differently.

One thought is that maybe you could add a line of whitespace, though that is just a thought. I haven't figured out where, probably because its not necessarily the best idea!

Really the only line that seems a bit off-kilter as far as rhythm is the fifth line "I lay.", but it isn't terribly off. I'd hate to see the entire idea of it disappear too, because the meaning is very key. I'm going to post my suggestions of the changes I mentioned above. Keep in mind I'm a beginner and only trying to be helpful--not trying to upset you.

I mean well, and I'm trying to not only become a better writer, but also learn how to return the favors of all the kind people that critique my writing too. Feel free to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, but be gentle, please.

Overall, the piece is quite striking and I find it interesting as well as something I relate very much to.

Original:
In the layered grey heat
of an endless summer night
I lay.
A deceptively dark inferno
of stress-dreams
and damp, twisted sheets.
Each breath is empty,
a ritual exchange
of oxygen for air.
Every lethargic motion,
a model of indolent efficacy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my suggestions:

Sleepless Heart

A deceptively dark inferno,
of stress-dreams.
Upon damp, twisted sheets.
I exist.
In the layered grey heat.
of an endless summer night.

Each breath is empty.
A ritual exchange--
of oxygen for air.
Every lethargic motion,
a model of indolent efficacy.

Farror · 04-23-2008, 07:02 AM

An interesting re-write, and certainly not bad. I'm not sure of the wording of "I exist."

My problem is that although the changes you've made don't take away from the flow, I'm not convinced that they add to it. But regardless of that, your thoughts are certainly helpful. and what you've changed in the rewrite shows me quite clearly the parts that you think need work. Thanks for the comment.

Kaleido, I'm glad you enjoyed.

Lamia · 04-23-2008, 10:00 AM

I like it. it flows nicely and is a good read.

jetzeppelin · 04-23-2008, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Farror

In the layered grey heat
of an endless summer night
I lay.
A deceptively dark inferno
of stress-dreams
and damp, twisted sheets.
Each breath is empty,
a ritual exchange
of oxygen for air.
Every lethargic motion,
a model of indolent efficacy.

One thing I learned from my creative writing courses in college is that poems are like puzzles, or Rorschach tests, and one work can represent things differently to different readers. I seem to feel the anguish of your anxiety and struggle for some normalcy, or rest. Great job.

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-23-2008, 05:35 PM

Beautiful. I really liked the "ritual exchange" lines. Very powerful. I'm not sure about "grey" in the first line. One one hand it can remind me of dust and suffocation. (which could be through heat) on the other, it doesn't feel like that to me naturally.
Good poem, keep writing.

Farror · 04-23-2008, 07:58 PM

Hey, thanks to all of you for the comments. PrisonerOfPrey, my rationale for that word ("grey") is to express the lack of directness, or immediacy to the heat. It's a bland, present, and monumentally uncomfortable presence. But I'll see if I can somehow make that more clear.

Thanks for the input.

Martin · 04-25-2008, 07:53 AM

Hello Farror, long time..

Nice read, and it surely makes me recall those never ending nights. A bit telly I'd say though but well chosen words seems to balance it out.

/m

Farror · 04-25-2008, 02:40 PM

I'm sorry, but I'm not familiar with the term "telly". Thanks for the read.

Pale Gallery · 04-25-2008, 04:32 PM

Television? That's what it means here in the UK.

Anyway, enjoyed the read.

Farror · 04-25-2008, 07:17 PM

I realize that it means that, I was just wondering what it could mean in this context.

gordon · 04-25-2008, 07:26 PM

Farror you grew up and wrote a poem nice work i enjoyed this
G.