PrisonerOfPrey

I sip softly on rolled
dry paper.
lips part from
experience.
disappointed,
breath passes cleanly.

Stronger, breath drags hard
Rewarded, filled sweetly;
lips part and smoke dances,
pouring like water,
filling my lungs--
fumes waft.

Spitting, waiting my turn
to suck demandingly on
paper rolled and thin.
catching inhales in their tracts
holding tight,
until ready to release.

Joint rolls low,
smolders in defiance
tipped to glass,
another new experience,
a chance,
to try again.

Tipped slightly
flame smothers fingers, smoke
pulled through;
i am wise,
because of flovent,
i am high.

Thoughts meander
as I babble
a slow bubble of confused words,
hooked by thin twine
presented to the outside world,
effervescence dies.

My first time.


*Flovent is an asthma medicine

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

taxidermistpasta

Typical stoner messages throughout, an overall average poem. Though the line

My first time.

could be omitted.

PrisonerOfPrey

Thanks Cory. I was thinking about ommitting the last line. I'm glad I am typical of a stoner. Lol, first time = lsst. Danke Shurn

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

taxidermistpasta

Hey, no problem. Anyway I take back what I said about the last post, minus the bit about omitting that last line. Seriously, I hate it.

Anyway, the rest of the poem looks pretty good in comparison to the rest of your works. I enjoy reading your experiences Sunday in your own style of poetry.

It would be hard to understand the lines

Joint rolls low,
smolders in defiance
tipped to glass

without having been there. Try revising the tipped to glass portion more than the rest.

Other than that, nicely done.

PrisonerOfPrey

Thanks Cory, I'm glad you think so. I'll consider some changes for the "tipped to glass" portion. I'm interested to see what other people think about this poem. And also the last line. I know it's not really necessary, and it makes my poem seem less mature...but...It kind of rhymes, and I just sorta like it.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

peterphreak

Hi Ms. Prey,

Your piece brings me back to New Mexico when it was my first time. Better stoned than stoned. So, i'm proud to be yellow and a stoner rather than an chinky loner. Thanks for your honest piece. No real criticism except that you should keep the last line, but with a bit of a hook to bait the reader out of the purple haze. Oh, and there seemed to be some time tesseract that may confuse the reader, unless that was intentional. Oh here i go again with my "no real criticism", i also saw by my OCD nature some words that may need to be capitalized, again unless it was intentional. Looking forward to your next piece.

Gnomes Amok

Does my heart good

Seriously, bravo soldier. This is poem is intriguing, insightful and fresh. It doesnt allow for the stereotype typically attributed to our lot, and for that, I thank you

PrisonerOfPrey

peterphreak"i'm proud to be yellow and a stoner rather than an chinky loner."

That is the most awesome saying ever peterphreak. I am SO using that sometime, that is awesome! (I'm Thia+Chinese) If you happen to have the time do you think you could tell me what you mean when you say, "time tesseract" Will you point out where you see the problem, also with the capitals?

Gnomes Amok , Thank you very much. I dislike stereotypes so i'm glad I managed to evade them. Thank yiu again for reading and responding.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

ShabookiSkittles

Oooh this is good. I understand exactly what all of the messages mean. I can relate and it truly captures the thought process of a "smoking session". Kudos.

MisterJack

I think you should try working on the line breaks a little more. Also, something like this should read more 'mellow'. Try bringing a little 'haziness' into it. Make the reader 'feel' the high. Try not to tell them.

Hope this helps

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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PrisonerOfPrey

Shabooki, Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed my poem and that my thoughts are clear. Your comments are always appreciated

Misterjack, Thanks for reading. Your right about the line breaks, i'll have to play around with them a bit. As for bringing haziness to it, to tell you the truth I wasn't very high at all. I'd rather have it have the feel it has now. Danke!

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

mAMBOkING

LOL...so how was it, little girl. the poem itself is fine, but it doesn't make me feel your experience. i feel cheated. i guess when i call you PoP, it'll take on a whole new meaning,huh

peterphreak

Oops, double post. Had to erase yesterday's post because i reworked my echo to PoP and forgot to push the "edit" button. Silly rabbit fruit loops are for kids. Thanks and sorry in one breath.

peterphreak

Dear Ms. Prey,

Never be dissuaded by the definitions other people either as a stoner poet or as a popped sophistry of soliloquy. As i've learned there will always be people always better than us whether living or dead as Emily can attest, and there will always will be the critiques who perfect us. One can feel guilty for existence, but never feel ashamed for who you are (or at least never try to show it ). So as to your query, i can offer no explanation for "time tesseract" (borrowed from M. L'Engle) other than to write in echoed prose of your first time reminiscence with THC by my first memory with Mary Jane in the strict form of past tense. So hear goes my poor prose to you sincere poetry, forgive any claim to discourteous technical expertise ..

Your meter goes ...
6r3r3r4r4r5

I go ...

I dubious, rolled dragged
dry paper singed.
Lips inhaled
expectations.
Disappointed,
breath passed sterile.

5r6r6r5r4r2

Estranged breath drugged pulled.
Reward's skunky smoke
lisped, pushed smokes to dance,
flooding trance like spooks
fulfilling lungs
while fumes gasped.

6r6r5r7r3r7

Coughing, waiting my turn
to suck exhaustion's wan,
paper rolled and thinned
caught inhalation tight
until alveolus released.

3r6r3r8r2r4

Joints rolled right
smoldered in defiance.
Tipped a glass
to another new addiction
for chance
to breath again.

3r6r2r3r5r3

Tipsy slightly,
flames smothered feint's smokes
pulled through
wizened haze
because of flovent
synergy was high.

4r4r8r4r7r5

Thoughts chemical
as canticles slurred
a purple bubble of confessions
hooked by thin read lines
hung asthmatic mind outside
while evanescence flies.

My first time.

or

My mystic twine ... (place your denouement here ..) Thanks for your words that connected me to my New Mexican first time. Disregard the rest, hold onto what's best in you. Keep perfecting it as i do all i can to keep faith with my perfidious love.

MisterJack

Hey, no problem at all, PoP. As always, it's merely a suggestion. As to the line breaks, I look forward to seeing what you do with this.

Kind regards

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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