Wishing4Rain

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"A writer without crticque, is nothing"

"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."

Martin

Hi Wishing4Rain

I think this is an interesting piece. I understand your frustration with it though, but I am not sure where the answer lies. To me it seems like you are mixing too many subjects; your feelings, your expression and your inspiration. If I am right, these terms are very abstract and often also very personal, and it is a very sensitive job to tie them properly together.

As for your rythm and rhyming, I think it could be improved in places.

This is my favourite part:

this gleaming blade
now tainted crimson,
used to coax
and release
the most exotic of paints
from within my flesh.

A very good image I think, and nicely related to the title.

I'm afraid I can't be of more help, but I definitly think this is worth working on.

Regards

/m

MisterJack

I would suggest maybe removing the telly bits. The 'feeling' and 'touches' etc. Show the reader and 'make' them 'feel'. I think you could halve the length as well for more impact.

Hope this helps, you know what you have to do.

Jack

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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mAMBOkING

i agree with jack. i think the poem has too much description for one subject. in this case, less would be better

chicagnosticjew

i love the descriptions, even if they are a bit grim. i wonder if it were rearranged in a sort of linear pattern it might have more of a flow. for example, if you started with "the two tools i use" then ended with "i use these tools" it would give the poem a kind of chiastic structure, or a call-back, a mirroring.

nacreous

the pain you feel is too easy to access by the reader. Make it more remote.
keep it up, though, whatever you do.

Wishing4Rain

Martin,

Thank you, and I agree, I'm trying to merge them all into one piece without dragging it out or over-doing it. You're correct, very personal, as for abstract, I'd say somewhat. As for your rythm and rhyming, I think it could be improved in places. The rhythm could be improved I agree, however there is no rhyme scheme in this piece, perhaps I should create one? I'm debating whether or not to remove the first stanza or re-write it, either way I believe it has to be changed. Thanks for commenting, you helped me realize what I have to do, actually.

MisterJack,

I've tried to re-write the "telly" bits, but I just can't to get it right. Thanks Jack, I'll see what I can do. As always, you're a help.

mAMBOKING,

Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it. I'll see what I can do.

chicagnosticjew,

Thank you, they are grim on purpose, sadly. That's an excellent idea and I'm going to toy around with it and see what comes out of it, thanks for commenting, I appreciate it.

nacreous,

Actually, I want the pain to be easily accessed, though I guess it is too easy. There is a much larger meaning in this piece, there are a few clues and hints as to what it is. The pain is not the concept of this piece, though it is the emotion. However, I will try to make it more remote Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it and I will keep it up.

__________________
"A writer without crticque, is nothing"

"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."