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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 04-17-2008, 10:06 PM   #1
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"A Tragic Outcome"

<Ok, this is my newest poem. So can people please help me with it a bit, it's still very rough.>


A room full of black save one light
Faces visible, staring in spite
I can't even lie to say I'm in the right
All because their paring off too quickly
Leaving me alone, like I am too sickly
Nudging me off, quiet all too thickly

Not surprised, but I didn't see it coming
Try to pass it off so I kept on humming
Yet my heart was shaking so it kept on drumming
So I stopped, stalled and I fell to the floor
A never happening stab right to my core
Try to get up up, but my muscles have tore

So there I lay, all alone again
There glaring to me like I'm insane
Looking for a happy man, but I'm all that'll remain
I look up to see a wave of selfish eyes
They watch and they let my blood dry
Not a good thought, they don't even try

So I'm sitting and I'm waiting out in this hall
Might just end it here, so I guess I'll fall
It's not like any of them would even call
As the men in white go and take my hand
Hold me up, tell me I can stand
Tell me, no breakdowns are planned
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Old 04-17-2008, 11:38 PM   #2
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do not like the scheme used here, think I'd call it overkill.
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Old 04-17-2008, 11:50 PM   #3
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I agree with dannyboy. The rhyming in itself isn't necessarily overkill, but it seems like it's restricting your thoughts too much and making the message seem suffocated. Try it without the rhyme and see what happens.
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Old 04-18-2008, 07:57 AM   #4
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Ahha Now I am beginning to see how Rhyming doesn't always work. I didn't like this one at all.
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Old 04-18-2008, 09:41 AM   #5
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Thanks for the responses
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