PrisonerOfPrey

swift auburn through burning blades
lions tail swishes, churning musk strewn air.

(Sulk quietly hunter, lest you be heard)

the brisk Savannah scurries, impatient
ripples like water glide in tall grass.

(Crouch low daughter, lest you be seen)

thick hairs morph to long silent stalks
eyes wide, black glinting beetles roam.

(Listen, for signs of unrest in the herd)

Ears propped forward, twitching
One silken paw rolled purposefully forward

(Be quick now, let movement flow)

muscles bound, slick and twitching
spring forward in lioness grace
(When, my child, will you return?)

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Erdhexe

I think the ending is quite nice because you're ending it with a mystery kind of feel, even a bit philosophical. I was wondering why you didn't write "When, my child, will you return?" though.

It's not telling too much. Your imagery is visual enough for the reader to be able to "see" the wild cat move through its habitat, looking for prey. You did this really well, I'd say.

Claudia

PrisonerOfPrey

Thank you Claudia. I'm not sure how the last line will end up, it seemed too wordy the way you mentioned.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Erdhexe

Really? But the wordiness is broken up by the comma pauses, so it still matches the rhythm of your poem.

Claudia

PrisonerOfPrey

I edited that bit. It doesn't say quite the same thing, but it gets the message across I think!

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Damian_Rucci

I like the way you ended it. You have a pretty distinct voice in your poem. I like it

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Jon1jt

lacks continuity, and is too impersonal and abstract for me. Sounds like a lion hunt taking place, that's all I got out of it. As far as the end goes, the importance of the child "staying" or going seems arbitrary or irrelevant.

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"He was nauseous with regret when he saw her face again, and when, as of yore, he pleaded and begged at her knees for the joy of her being. She understood Neal; she stroked his hair; she knew he was mad."
---Jack Kerouac, On The Road: The Original Scroll

DENNISM65

I agree with Jon1jt..it didnt strike me as poetic. Lot of so called Poems on here do that to me. Sometimes I feel like Simon Cowell of American Idol. The other two say great and he says lousy. However the lion stalking idea wasn't bad, but I thought it more of a story like my little one called "My name is Buddy".

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PrisonerOfPrey

Damian, Thanks for reading and responding. I'm glad you enjoyed the ending.

Jon, Thank you for reading. Do you mind explaining more about what you said, perhaps suggestions on how to improve?

Dennis, Thank you for reading. If you have any suggestions don't hesitate to tell me.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Gilles

I'm not too smart poetry-wise but I'll do my best; just thought it'd be nice to repay you for commenting on mine, prison. Most of it is to keep it is based on what the first line showed.

I feel that “lions” might be better as “lion.”

You just repeated the word “swift” in your poem.

Purposefully just doesn’t quite do the job for me.

I’m not quite to sure what to think of the last line. Besides that, you did a good job.

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"Of a truth, if God does not protect me from it, I would not know how to protect myself." -- Jehanne la Pucelle

Jon1jt

Your lines are packed tight, open them up some, let them breathe. I'd really be interested in seeing what's residing within. How to do this? how to improve? Hmm.

To thine own self, be true.

__________________
"He was nauseous with regret when he saw her face again, and when, as of yore, he pleaded and begged at her knees for the joy of her being. She understood Neal; she stroked his hair; she knew he was mad."
---Jack Kerouac, On The Road: The Original Scroll

mAMBOkING

i liked the form you used to describe the lioness hunt from the mothers view (i'm guessing the mother was there from the last line) it reminds me of a saying

"...sons leave, but daughters leave forever." (i don't remember where i read that)

i think it was poetic, but i can see where others might have gotten thrown. the ending does seem to be a bit abrupt. it sort of just hits you

chicagnosticjew

it made me think of africa and especially nature shows on tv. it sounded almost like it could have been translated from another language, or have been a beautiful tribal song.

the deep descriptions of things made me feel right in the action, the suspense held till the very end. the direct commands in the paren's are especially exciting. im having a little trouble with the last one because it feels much more slow than the previous sentences. i like the image of the lioness pouncing and i think it builds to that.

CMM_Kaleido

I have read this a couple of times now. Overall I like it. Your opening line has color, motion, and word economy and drew me in.

For once, I think the parentheses are working. You have taken descriptions of a visual and interwoven an emotional context for the lions. However, I think that your descriptions are too spot on. If more than one of us is picturing you sitting in front of a nature special for your observations than I think the piece might be better served by pulling back into a bit of mystery. (Maybe remove all mention of lions.)

I also got pulled up short by the last line. I have to say that I like Claudia's suggested ending "When, my child, will you return?" The parenthetical text has told us that the daughter has left her mother's side to hunt, as I take it, she is being instructed to do so by her mother. Asking the daughter to stay in this instance seems like the mother is not a wise matriarch but a bit confused and over-protective. However, if the mother asks when the daughter might return, the tone can be taken as a question the mother lion asks herself out of the daughter's hearing: a light, wistful commentary on the inevitabilities of life.

Just some things to think about, as always, you know how much I enjoy your work.

Raging_Hopeful

I agree with CMM, find more creative ways to describe the lions without saying "lion." Tease us a little and make us wonder. Otherwise, I would agree with the others, it sounded like a translation of an African song. Very beautiful

Cheers,
Linz

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