Gilles

[...] I've never been to good at titles. >.>
Hey there, since it's my week-a-versary of joining I thought it'd be nice to add one of my poems, so well... hereyago:
But first, you could just read it as is, but for it to make sense, you need to read the first lines like: "Flowers bloom over the field. The field is so full of Life. Life never..." etc.

^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^

Flowers bloom over
The field is so full of
Life never felt so
New things appear on
Earth orbits around
The Sun bleeds out its
Heat and humidity makes us
Sweat drops crawling down
Our backs ache from tending
The crops are a great
Green hails to a dull
Yellow overtakes
The leaves descend from
The trees reach up to
The sky contrasts with
The mountains cast
Shadows all blanket
The snow underfoot is soft and
Wet flakes melt on
Our faces feel the cold bite of
The wind licks away
The warmth escapes from
Our bodies huddle
Together we wait for
Flowers

^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^

Thank you for reading.

__________________
"Of a truth, if God does not protect me from it, I would not know how to protect myself." -- Jehanne la Pucelle

PrisonerOfPrey

nifty. I enjoyed this. I'm not sure how to comment though as it's not in a usual format. I like how it made my brain work in a different way, lol...felt funny.

" The crops are a great
Green turns to a dull
Yellow overtakes"

The crops are a great green. I don't like this image. Also," green turns to a dull yellow, yellow overtakes us" dispute the fact the crops are green, for now they are yellow. (and yet there is not a word to show a passing of time.)

This was a neat poem. You should work on this style and make it so it flows better and all thoughts work together and aren't unnecessarily tangents. (sorry for the run-on.)

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Gilles

Prison, thank you for commenting. As for the green to yellow I was attrempting to transition through the four seasons throughout the poem, ending the year, thus starting over; but I guess that's not obvious enough. My procrastinative side kicks in when I think of working on this poem; It's really hard to change or add because of how it's written.

__________________
"Of a truth, if God does not protect me from it, I would not know how to protect myself." -- Jehanne la Pucelle

PrisonerOfPrey

I bet. But maybe start over? Create a new poem? I have to admit I don't think I could concentrate to make this sort of poem. But then. Like I said, just a transition word would work. I knew what it meant, it just didn't flow well enough to get automatically. Maybe change "turns" to "turned"?

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Gilles

But I also intentionally used present tense because the phases sometimes make sense if you use another tense such as "The crops are a great green turned to a dull yellow." I really don't want it to make sense when read as is.

__________________
"Of a truth, if God does not protect me from it, I would not know how to protect myself." -- Jehanne la Pucelle

PrisonerOfPrey

How about..."The crops are a great
green falls to a dull yellow."
or something of that nature?

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Erdhexe

Writing the changes of the seasons as a circle poem is a really neat idea. Too bad that the poem needs some explanation prior to reading it. But the style and the content go really well together.

Claudia

gr8writer

wow, that was different. I'm not used to this kind of poetry but it was interesting. Keep up the good work.

__________________
Healing

Be gentle, it's my baby.
j/k have fun you won't hurt my feelings.

Wishing4Rain

Excellent. It made me think in a new way and I enjoyed it, though it did feel weird. This is definitely a poem worth praise for me, as it is the first of it's kind I have enjoyed. I have no crit's, nicely done.

__________________
"A writer without crticque, is nothing"

"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."

dannyboy

I hated it.