ShabookiSkittles

Revision (1)

Red Snowcone

Lonely days of late December
liquefy our peaceful splendor --
Synthesis of fear
for bloody blenders...

Room for two -
The blades consume
Pandora, cold as hell...

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*Original

Red Snowcone

Lonely days of late December
liquefy a peaceful splendor --
Synthesis of fear
in bleeding blenders
soiled with bitter hate --
The blades consume
a heart as cold as hell...

My shortest poem ever guys. Be brutal.

hYpO-tHiNg

it sounds cool
but isnt hell warm?
LOL

__________________
<awesome foursome!>
and i am who i am
noone will make me change!
sunglasses r cool......lets laugh together......lets dance.......

ShabookiSkittles

How could I have missed that??? Lol. Thanks for reviewing.

PrisonerOfPrey

The most tormenting parts of hell or icy. Thats what I think anyway. Keep it as it is, it created a sort of connection and doublebacked meaning.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Jon1jt

How does one liquefy a peaceful splendor?

A blade punctures a heart, slices a heart, but how does it "consume" a heart exactly?

Synthesis of fear in bleeding blenders makes no sense to me.

As cold as hell -- cliche
soiled with bitter hate -- another cliche
cold as hell -- thats a third one.


I'm not going to bullshit you, the poem is awful.

__________________
"He was nauseous with regret when he saw her face again, and when, as of yore, he pleaded and begged at her knees for the joy of her being. She understood Neal; she stroked his hair; she knew he was mad."
---Jack Kerouac, On The Road: The Original Scroll

ShabookiSkittles

The lonely days are able to liquefy a peaceful splendor because I've compared them to objects that are capable of liquefication (blenders). How do blades consume a heart? when they are......blender blades. #1 Perhaps the line, "soiled with bitter hate" could be tweaked to be a bit less cliche, but I believe "cold as hell" will stay for the time being. (I only wrote cold as hell once...).

"I'm not going to bullshit you, the poem is awful." How absolutely unneccesary. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but why state it so rudely? :/

Thanks to everyone who left a resourceful review. It's always appreciated.

DENNISM65

Now that one I didn't like. Sorry.

__________________
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow hasn't come.
Today is now, and now is all we have.

Jon1jt

You're violating your own request. You requested readers to 'Be brutal' in your OP, and that said to me you were looking for an honest crit, which, by the way, may sometimes come with or even necessitate a crudeness.

Okay then, I won't crit your future work since you feel that way. You wasted my time. I don't critique poems of fellow poets who expect resourcefulness or a stroke of the ego when what we're here to do first and foremost is review each other's work. It comes with the territory.

__________________
"He was nauseous with regret when he saw her face again, and when, as of yore, he pleaded and begged at her knees for the joy of her being. She understood Neal; she stroked his hair; she knew he was mad."
---Jack Kerouac, On The Road: The Original Scroll

papertears

Bah, before you have a fit--she may have asked for brutal criticism, but not barbaric, and crass language to go with it.

I don't think its stroking an ego to summarize the point you were making without using crude terms. I have no idea what you mean by "resourcefulness" unless its hard for you to not use profanity. As far as coming with the territory, most criticism I've come about in this section is more refined than yours.

She didn't get upset at the other user who posted they didn't like it. So lighten up.

~pt