RebelliousFantasyLover

Red gushing blood
pouring from a wound
my heart is breaking
whilr roses bloom
and traffic lights glare,
love is renewed while
cars scream off in a fit of rage
and revenge is near.

As a gunshot cracks,
more blood is spilt
and revenge is near.

Red colours our world
and red spills to the floor
red shirts, red pens,
red cars, red curtains,
red is everywhere
as revenge gets closer.


I am scared
everyone's dropping dead
Revenge is here
ready for my red blood
to finally spill
it's final drops
to a neverending spell.

Black takes over
rendering me gone,
falling to a black abyss
crashing through to a fiery death
flames flare up, burning me through
as I completeley give up
my life is going in a burst of red.

The red rose in my room wilts and dies
red traffic lights crash
as my heart vanishes
down to the red, fiery hell
Revenge has come at last...

__________________
Revenge is coming closer..... RUN

PrisonerOfPrey

You need to break this up in stanzas and use less clique images. I didn't get very far in this poem due to the lack of breaks, or even punctuation. Longer poems need punctuation to keep the flow, its very important. Shorter poems can get away without it- but not this.

On a side note, I did like how you alluded to something as normal and "not poetic" (hah!) as Traffic lights.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

jellyfish

Reb,

I like this but agree with PoP that breaking it up into stanzas would make it an easier read. The only other thing that slowed me down for a minute was the two mentions of black after all the talk of red. I was thinking the whole piece was going to switch to a focus on black. Could just be me, though, I'm a novice a poetry.

__________________
jellyfish

just another day in paradise

RebelliousFantasyLover

yeah i might have to break it up arite i was in a hurry when i posted it but i will fix it now

xxRFLxx

__________________
Revenge is coming closer..... RUN

Ashes

Like everyone else who wants their poem critiqued emotionally, not grammatically, I'll tell you this.

Cliche.

Now that that is aside, I'll tell you what needs to be said:

Your poem is a bit choppy, and hard to grasp at first. You may understand it as clear as a bell, but that doesn't mean that we can interpret it. That doesn't make it bad, but just confusing. A poem needs to be complex to the point where it is awed by the common fold, yet the simplicity needs to be delicate enough to where people can grasp the concept of this and say, "Ah! I see what they mean. I can('t) relate!" That is one way how so many poets are loved - their poems balance perfectly on that thin line between complex and simplicity. It's like walking on a tight rope.

What I understood from this, was that the narrator had commited something foul, and somehow "revenge", used as a name for this being or thing, hunted them down, fiery with revenge they murdered and caused havoc (hence the RED blood) and eventually got the narrator, where you start with the black phase.

Something should break up the red and black, whether it's a simple onomatophoeia to symbolize a gunshot, such as "Bang," or anything of that sort, it's all your opinion.

That's all.

hYpO-tHiNg

is this you lauren?
and yeah i agree with them above me
and its a ok poem not the best

__________________
<awesome foursome!>
and i am who i am
noone will make me change!
sunglasses r cool......lets laugh together......lets dance.......

RebelliousFantasyLover

Hae Charlotte...
i know you can do better poems than me lmao, so you should post one.
Hope ya holidays are all good lol.
C you at school

Laurenxxxx

__________________
Revenge is coming closer..... RUN