Noirllyn

Big city, bright lights,
fast cars, small world...

Times Square, Vegas Strip,
Monte Carlo, small world...

High bridges, tight tunnels,

in and out,

small world.

In and out,

........moving quickly,
...fast lane, small world.

......Step ahead,
fall behind,

................in and out...
....................small life.

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Baron

A nice piece. No criticism.

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For me with Squalor

I had a little struggle with the inconsistancy of the form, (this might be just me) otherwise all is well in neverland. Small world indeed! good work

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Noirllyn

Thank you.
Thank you. How is the form rubbing you the wrong way, if you can explain it?

Also, I've got a personal beef with the poem, the last line, actually. I know keeping the thing short emphasizes the idea of "in and out"/"small", but I can't help, but feel that it ends too abruptly. "Small life" doesn't sound quite right to me. I've been toying with the idea of repetition of some sort:

................in and out...
................in and out...
................in and out...
....................small life.

OR

................in and out, in and out,
................in and out...
....................small life.

OR

................in and out...
..........small world, small life.




Any ideas on the subject?

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PrisonerOfPrey

I like your last idea best. This was good, it had a nice driving beat. My opinion is that these lines,
" Times Square, Vegas Strip,
Monte Carlo, small world..."
could use something. On first read I dislike the repetition of small world. Maybe play with it a little bit, add an extra syllable...experiment. Good job.

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jellyfish

I enjoyed this piece. Personally, the spacing of it seemed great. The only thing I would think about changing is the first line - maybe just change it up a little so it doesn't sound like a familiar saying.

Nice work.

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jellyfish

just another day in paradise

Wishing4Rain

Very nice, I have no criticque. Honestly, this was amazing for me, from format to word choice.

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Noirllyn

Thanks for the input.

Would the addition of "the" be sufficient, or is something other than the meter bothering you?
Times Square, the Vegas Strip, (2,4)
Monte Carlo, small world... (4,2)Thank you. The thing about the first line (and the majority of the poem) is that it is supposed to sound and be very familiar to people.Thank you.

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Mirror

Noirllyn-

Like the structure; it befits the momentum within a set of constraints.

The content, however, verges on enumeration. I'd pause and pay closer attention to detail: show us the small world/small life juxtaposition.

Best,
Mirror

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jellyfish

N,

I think familiar works, but it should be original. With the first line I was singing along to Viva Las Vegas. Could just be me, probably is, but I'd still change it up a little. Otherwise, I loved the poem.

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jellyfish

just another day in paradise

Noirllyn

Thanks for the suggestions, you two. I'll keep them in mind.

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