MisterJack

The Night Bobby D Met The Spoon Man







Dave Navarro
porn star guitar hero
___meets
Robert DeNiro
in an off street gamble
_______________house casino
stripped and trippin’
__on concrete slabs
with table cloth glamor
and a six stringed axe
what he lacks in manner
_____never will detract
as cigars light up
in the night with the players
of a Las Vegas style
with the cards and a Deus
________________on the side
of the man with a beard and a tan
that the boys
________pray for
and the girls want bad
but Bobby didn’t mind
as he flowed through a room
to be met by a man
who could knock out a tune
with a finger's twist
and a table spoon
________________or two
with a smooth old groove
as he watched Bobby move
and his grin stretched out
like a white limousine
_____with a gold tooth door
and some nickels at his knees
he was pleased to go on
watch the movie star sway
while the room fell apart
______at Navarro’s play
________on a glass Rickenbacker
in a kids mosh pit
______that was it
thought the spoon man
jiggling his thing
he could please Bobby D
and he didn’t even sing
_____just a ting
__________and a ring
for the old school tune
while the deaf kids tranced
__at Navarro’s swoon
but he knew they would grow
______and forget rock stars
__________________(one day)
and they’d jive with DeNiro
________at
____the spoon man’s bar










.

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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ShabookiSkittles

I really like your imagery, allusionry (a word?), and of course, the fluency. The only problem I had with it is that it NEVER stops. It's kind of hard to absorb the writing the first time through without a single moment's pause. Aside from my single criticism this was a very interesting read. Don't stop literaturin'

ShabookiSkittles

Forgive me lord!
for I have double posted.

CMM_Kaleido

Great narrative, great characters, with just a touch of quirky (good thing). Loved the use of indents in lieu of punctuation and loved the total lack of end punctuation. Rhythm has a rhythm, suits perfectly.

apple

Hey Jack, i enjoyed this immensely. i was just rappin' right along, Yo. Seriously fun stuff and very well done.

For me with Squalor

Go go, go Johnny go go. Johnny be good!
It almost me reach'in fo my guitar strap.
Never gonna take, no lawmans crap.
It had me in a wile, and I felt mean
It had me think'in that I could a scream
If Dave could play that guitar.
than I fo sure know that I can go far!
Go Mr. Jack go.
Jackie be bad

Haw haw, Jack you sure got the rythme in your boots. I ain't gonna degrade a job like that. Instead I'm unna sing that tune, right out'a my room. (In Chinese this means great stuff)

__________________
"The fooling, the idleness enjoyed by the few while the majority suffered, could itself create an illusion of character and originality."
Boris Pasternak

MisterJack

Thank you all for enduring this, and for taking the time to comment. I was going to have it split into two stanzas but prefered the flow as one.

Glad you like it.

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Baron

I think that you've got the rhythm just right on this one. Good job.

__________________

MisterJack

Thanks Baron. Was concerned it may have faltered a little in places, so it's good to get confirmation it's working

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Mermaid on the breakwater

Definitely quirky and fun, Jack. Good job, no crits.

__________________
Doors 2, an anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/3522683

Wishing4Rain

Very nice Jack, I like the rhyme scheme and the characters also. This one was quite comical for me, it actually reminded me of last years family re-union for me. I enjoyed it, no crits.

__________________
"A writer without crticque, is nothing"

"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."

MisterJack

Thank you MotB and W4R for the kind words. Time to let this slip into oblivion


Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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mAMBOkING

i think this is my favorite one from you. the story and iamgery was awesome. kinda felt like i was there