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Blink once for "yes";
Twice for "no".
How many times Line break? for "kill me"?
A million thoughts sprung forth from the depths of my beautiful mind
Dissapate into the mist without a means of expression I think it would be a lot more powerful if you condensed this thought into one brief line with stronger words. Perhaps use some words related to the previous line's sentiment.
If you looked hard enough into my vacant stare
Could you observe my stifled emotions?
If you listened closely with keen feline senses
Would you hear some magnificent composition?
If you caress my body forever with your gentle touch
Will you ever hear me say "I love you"?
This stanza needs some help. Firstly, I think it would be better if you put the "if" lines into active voice (looking, listening, caressing rather than "if you did..."). The even lines give the impression that you're attempting to overuse adjectives because you were taught that in poetry every noun needs at least one. "Vacant stare" is very cliche, you can definitely throw something heavier on this one. Feline senses are keen, so the word keen is unneeded to describe them. "Some magnificent composition" doesn't feel as magnificent when said as it could--perhaps pick a type of composition less frequently referred to. "Your gentle touch" could be turned into a serious noun, you can hit it hard, here.
I blink once...
And I feel like it should say "then" here. once again; and I get the idea that "more" would be a better choice than "again".
My deceptive eyes say "no",
Though my heart cries "Puncture me!" --
And no one ever hears it's distant screams. No apostrophe on "its". I think you can get something stronger for your ending than "distant screams".
As mentioned, of course it would fare better without capitalization at the start of each line.
I like this poem, though. Good job.
Last edited by Noirllyn : 04-15-2008 at 06:30 PM.
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