Matthatter

The blood on Santa’s white-gold gloves smells of elfin potpourri,
his costume coughing clouds of coal from breaking cancer off the chimney.

Jolly rolls compressing, pure beard disgusting,
whimsical fetishes wedding children to prized nothings.

Roughing up cookie crumbs with dummy-fashioned lip-licking,
Rudolph’s nose grows the bell—warning signs of stiff shitting.

Prancer dancing granola trance to light-lime teeth grinding cyber chants
Cuz Santa’s passed out icey igloo tablets to distract, disband.

Nasty ol cherry-nosed obese obelisk,
wishes kids will gift him hieroglyphic diet tips to trim his fleece.

Bony hands tucking this old man with wet sheets,
forcing him to subdue his strength to drain it into sex leaks, he's

Growing into ignorance, knowing self-hypnosis,
rowing in a lake of hate surviving through osmosis.

These endless motions practice playing residential rituals
to single out these magic bodies into individuals.

But Santa with no reindeer is a fickle fuck-up nutcase
Drugged up on cookie dough laced with cinnamon and nutmeg.

Mrs. Clause, poor ol’ woman, done did left ‘em
cuz he made such a stink when she didn’t want to keep it in her rectum.

Santa recommends being good girls and boys-little angels,
but Judgement blurs when he observes the candy-apple on the table.

Unable to maintain the acts that culture fact as right,
Santa threatens all the latest trends; to change their lives to god-like.

MisterJack

I fucking loved this! Really cool piece and the flow, for me was pretty much spot on. I don't even like couplets and I feel it could work better as a solid unit with slightly more internal rhyming, especially at the beginning.

Got a bit twisted with the 'light-lime' though. Kept reading it as 'limelight' so maybe a longer dash between the two words as I'm assuming you meant it to say 'trance light' and 'lime teeth'?

However, that line......

Prancer dancing to granola trance light-lime teeth grinding cyber chants

despite the hiccup, is the best line in the piece. Really good.

and, I'm a little let down by the closure. The last two lines were a little flat for this, I would seriously think on a rework there as it deserves it.


Despite the faults I've pointed out, which are trivial really,this is one of the best pieces, IMO, I've read here for a while.

Look forward to seeing what you do with it.


Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Matthatter

Jack,

Thanks for taking the time to read this and giving me some input! I'm glad someone liked this.

When I wrote light-lime I was actually hoping a reader would naturally have interpretted "limelight" from it, as I wanted to have that image there, but I wanted to describe it with light first because I preferred it this way for sound (flow) purposes and also because I wanted to emphasize light before lime and because I preferred a transition of "trance" to light, in general, to suggest an ecstatic, religious purpose, which I thought may strengthen and maintain the "trance" without throwing in the world lime first, which I think is a harsher mental step. I also think the word teeth (especially followed by grinding cyber chants) sounds MUCH better after "light lime" versus "lime light"

But, I do think reading it this way is very likely to make a reader stop and wonder why it is written that way, which goes against the flow. I altered it a bit.

I changed the format a bit, altering it according to flow and seperate points/sets of descriptions.

What do you think of the new half?

MisterJack

To be honest, I prefered the conciseness of the original. There are some great lines and phrases in the extention, but maybe trim this back and incorporate this new ending?
Just a thought, and, I'm surprised nobody else has said anything here

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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DENNISM65

Picking on Santa Claus! What will Itell my grandchildren? It was weird to me. Did you have a bad lunch? (- :

__________________
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow hasn't come.
Today is now, and now is all we have.

Matthatter

Jack,

Thanks for your opinions! I agree, and think that first edit took away the charm. Doesn't make it flow as effortlessly.

I edited it (down mostly) a bit and put it back to the couplets.

Matthatter

Thanks for the comment Dennis.

Lately I have been having some not-so-great lunches, so, even if it doesn't affect it the way you mean (I'm not sure, exactly), I'm sure it has something to do with my inspiration.

Well, I don't want to sound rude (it is just an honest answer) but just to respond to your question, I think it would be a better idea to not lie to your grandchildren about a nonexistent being to which they'll surely associate views and principles of life. Then they eventually reaize it was wrong, and while also wondering (or at least feeling) why they'e been lied to by their family of emotional and intellectual support, they will be years behind in terms of successful mental adaption that, while supporting themselves, doesn't contribute too much to unrighteously harming other's (right, principles at the moment, etc).

It is a fun game for grown ups who know better to play off the ignorance of a developing thinker, but I think it's pretty destructive to not only the child's developmental potential, but also towards all those the child will come in contact through its life.

I know it's sort of hard to become antagonistic towards cultural norms though, since, while excusing yourself, you have to explain the negative actions of those you are close to.