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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 04-13-2008, 01:38 AM   #1
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Platitudes

Platitudes

Erasing the past rest of the day I spent before the same faces,

minute by minute and once and again,

I come from nowhere to read Nothing has changed,

a story about the glory of Do it yourself.



A farce from the beginning, gibberish till the end,

for nobody cares for what others say.

So they only hear about themselves,

while thinking what they’ll be saying next.



Just do it is the frame of this long trail of threads,

conceived by the headlines of these days:

“Originality falls victim to general abuse”

of ordinary minds dreaming of an ideal cyber-look.



Barbies of the intellect seeking to seem subtly complicated,

intricate, entangled and beautifully jaded.

Life is never enough for their spiritual hunger,

smooth and pristine show of anger.



Cherishing aesthetic patterns of up-to-date exemplary morals,

They remind me of yesterday’s powder puff

passed around among amusing hints to law-breaking actions,

followed by their appropriate closing chuckles.



Copyrights owned by a crowd of stiffened hearts

feeling the same at the same time.

Telepathos working at high speed,

feedback appreciated that nobody really reads.



I wonder, I wonder… How else could this be?
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"All, all is theft, all is unceasing and rigorous competition in nature; the desire to make off with the substance of others is the foremost - the most legitimate - passion nature has bred into us and, without doubt, the most agreeable one."
Marquis de Sade

Last edited by winkash : 04-28-2008 at 09:56 PM.
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Old 04-13-2008, 07:49 AM   #2
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The only real criticism I have of this is the format. Do away with the centre format and the double spacing because this doesn't need to be presented like a hallmark card.
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Old 04-13-2008, 08:05 AM   #3
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As far as your poem goes, I love the use of double meanings throughout. This was an impressive "debunking modern-day society" poem. My favorite stanza was #4. The barbie comparison combined with the colorful wording made it a powerful thought. As far as your FORMAT goes, I'll have to agree with Baron and say "AHHHHHHHH!! IT HURTS MY EYES!"
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Old 04-13-2008, 05:07 PM   #4
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Quote:
The only real criticism I have of this is the format.
Then let me know about the unreal one.

Quote:
This was an impressive "debunking modern-day society" poem.
I'd rather say that it describes a sector of the western society. I'm neither properly infromed nor qualified to talk about society as a whole; I think I should have lived in many places and met different kinds of people to do so on a real basis. So, what I did was taking a picture and criticizing the faces on it. Perhaps just before taking it, I put the automatic mode so that I appear on it too.

I'd like you told me why this format is so rejected.
Thank you very much for your input and feel free to point out grammar mistakes.
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"All, all is theft, all is unceasing and rigorous competition in nature; the desire to make off with the substance of others is the foremost - the most legitimate - passion nature has bred into us and, without doubt, the most agreeable one."
Marquis de Sade

Last edited by winkash : 04-13-2008 at 06:37 PM. Reason: gerund
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