Something Less Than Familiar - Writers Forum

Open2suggestion · 04-12-2008, 03:51 PM

Something Less Than Familiar

Wars we waged, you always won
and I would gut myself just for fun
make me hollow, I made you come
you had my fingers, you had my tongue
you float like asphalt in my lungs
and I knew no better, I was young

Hey wake up you are so
stupid
Your makeup is only
useless
we're nothing if not familiar

You cut yourself on stale cliches
and bleed the things you fail to say
we're gorgeous but we're not OK
and I fucking die here every day
(if you'll excuse the melodrama)
tell me something I don't know
and cut me down before you go

Hey take me I am so
different
Hey make me and this just
isn't
anything more than familiar

You rehearsed, I'm not convinced
I can't even muster compliments
(it's sobering to see how pathetically
normal you really are, isn't it?)
sometimes when I'm on top of you
I see your insides rotting through
man, I love the nights I'm not with you

so go find your Hollywood, baby
so go find your clever conversations
so go find your scripted paradise
and I will find something different
something less than familiar
I want something unfamiliar

Baron · 04-12-2008, 04:29 PM

I read this far more as a lyric than a poem.

Open2suggestion · 04-12-2008, 05:04 PM

Baron, thanks for reading... I definitely wrote this as a poem. I don't play any instruments and I can't sing and I'm not especially good with melodies so I really wouldn't even know how to write a true song lyric. Either way, song lyrics are poetry, wouldn't you say? Maybe not in English class but otherwise it's fair game. That being said, lyric or not, could I get your thoughts on the effectiveness of the content?

Open2suggestion · 04-12-2008, 10:02 PM

I edited a few things, think I smoothed out some of the more clunky lines.

sanctuary · 04-12-2008, 10:11 PM

this would be an awesome song, really. It does sound more like a lyric than a poem. it seems to sound kind of angry, frustrated, bitter. I would love to hear this set to music, something with Rock.

Open2suggestion · 04-13-2008, 07:36 AM

sanctuary, thank you for reading. id love to set this to music.. if only i had musical talent haha.

ShabookiSkittles · 04-13-2008, 07:48 AM

I like the concept of the poem but this has some fluency problems. Some of your lines seem a little filler-ish as well. I did happen to find a part I absolutely LOVED though.
"You cut yourself on stale cliches
and bleed the things you fail to say"
Makes me all tingly inside.
"Hey wake up you are so
stupid
Your makeup is only
useless
we're nothing if not familiar"
I don't like either of the stanzas that are in this format. They seem off beat and out of place. This seems fairly good in places and I feel like with some modifications this could actually be a very interesting poem that reads and feels a bit more like a poem.

Open2suggestion · 04-13-2008, 12:34 PM

Thanks for reading man. I see what you mean with the 'out of place' stanzas. Actually I guess the only reason I kept those in was because that's what I started with and then it spawned the other, I think better, stanzas. Maybe I'd do better to just cut those out completely.. I'm gonna toy with it a little bit.

dannyjvh · 04-13-2008, 01:01 PM

i like it, the whole familiarity thing hits home. We seek out those that make us comfortable, something familiar even if it has always ended up turning sour.
This poem is inherently negative with a slight positivity at the end. The last stanza is releasing yourself to something new. I like

Definitely sounds like lyrics to me, but lyrics are poetry anyways.

Open2suggestion · 04-13-2008, 01:54 PM

I was working on a revision that takes the clumsy, out of place stanzas out of it... heres what i have, but i don't know. I'm thinking the last two stanzas should be deleted all together...

Something Less Than Familiar
You cut yourself on stale cliches
and bleed the things you fail to say
we're gorgeous but we're not OK
well, I fucking die here every day
(if you'll excuse the melodrama)
tell me something I don't know
and cut me down before you go

Go find your Hollywood, baby
Go find your shallow conversations
I want something unfamiliar

I still gut myself now just for fun
leak the asphalt from my lungs
you made me hollow, made me come
well we were stupid, I was young
(if you'll excuse my old excuses)
now say exactly what you mean
and show me things I haven't seen

Go find your scripted paradise
Go find your flimsy satisfactions
I want something unfamiliar

I can hardly muster confidence
to pay you empty compliments
you're obvious, I'm not convinced
you're worth it or you've ever been
(if you'll excuse my self righteousness)
and now when I'm on top of you
I see your insides rotting through

Go find your hollow interpretations
Go find your empty peacefulness
I want something unfamiliar