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Alot of this, to me, may be improved if you got rid of some unnessissary words. For example the first line is good but the second line may sound better and would fit the syllables if you got rid of "the" in "the tears". Same with the second line with the word "a". the fourth line should have less syllables, i think.
Second stanza:
"when I'm upset" is somewhat redundant to me since you would only be able to tell the person that when you are upset, so thats the only time you can not tell him (or maybe I overthink...) "won't ever tell" is definately redundant because "won't tell" implies absolute, in other words "never"
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I'll edit the rest of the critique tommorow, but for tonight, I rest.
EDIT/ADD
In Stanzas 2-4 you seem to have no rhyme in the first, a rhyme of a/b/c/c in the second and d/e/f/e in the third. Don't know how correct that would be....
In stanza 6 you have seven syllables in all but the last line.
And, again, in seven all eight syllables but line two. Also, I do not know if you were trying to rhyme "anywhere" with with "here" but it seems to much of a stretch if you were.
Sorry for the really picky critique, but take it with a grain of salt. I am only basing this off of my opinion that poems should not have superfluous words, and the stuff I leaned about poetry in school.
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"Of a truth, if God does not protect me from it, I would not know how to protect myself." -- Jehanne la Pucelle
Last edited by Gilles : 04-13-2008 at 09:14 AM.
Reason: Adding on
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