"Pushed Down" - Writers Forum

Damian_Rucci · 04-11-2008, 09:27 PM

The sinking feeling in my chest
Feels like my heart won’t beat no more
Bout to lay my head to rest
As I close my mind’s door

The silent explosion in the black
And the sea of never coming tears
I give in, why should I fight back?
So these demons can become my fears?

Well I guess I can stand tall
Keep living life around
Or god forsaken, I can fall
As the world keeps pushing me down

CMM_Kaleido · 04-11-2008, 10:57 PM

Takes an unoriginal theme and does some interesting things with voice and tone. S2 I like and the last two lines of S1, but on the whole I don't think it quite breaks into original territory. Try to pull more of the unique voice from the second stanza into the rest of the piece.

Damian_Rucci · 04-12-2008, 09:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CMM_Kaleido

Takes an unoriginal theme and does some interesting things with voice and tone. S2 I like and the last two lines of S1, but on the whole I don't think it quite breaks into original territory. Try to pull more of the unique voice from the second stanza into the rest of the piece.

Thanks a lot! I am fairly knew to writing poetry, but I see exactly what you mean. I'll be working on it today.

mR.m · 05-11-2008, 01:40 AM

Awesome poem. It kinda sounds more like a song though.

Sorry, I can't really give more in-depth critiques, I haven't the mental capacity to give such educated comments haha!

wicked cool poem though

jellyfish · 05-11-2008, 07:27 PM

I liked this. The 'no more' at the end of line two bothered me. I see why you used it; the English prude in me just can't handle it. Otherwise, very good. I don't think it has to be original thought to be good. The point is to put your own personal spin on it, and I think you did that.

PrisonerOfPrey · 05-12-2008, 08:34 AM

As I close my mind’s door
This needs another beat to it. A comma after close would work nicely.

The silent explosion in the black
I dont understand this line. In the black?

I think you need to think beyond an Aa Bb rhyme scheme and perhaps think about trying freeverse. This poem was ok, not nearly the best i've seen from you though.

surfacetoday · 05-12-2008, 10:18 PM

This is god awful. Figure out why, and then write some new poems.

Damian_Rucci · 05-13-2008, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mR.m

Awesome poem. It kinda sounds more like a song though.

Sorry, I can't really give more in-depth critiques, I haven't the mental capacity to give such educated comments haha!

wicked cool poem though

Thank you very much

Quote:

Originally Posted by jellyfish

I liked this. The 'no more' at the end of line two bothered me. I see why you used it; the English prude in me just can't handle it. Otherwise, very good. I don't think it has to be original thought to be good. The point is to put your own personal spin on it, and I think you did that.

Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by PrisonerOfPrey

As I close my mind’s door
This needs another beat to it. A comma after close would work nicely.

The silent explosion in the black
I dont understand this line. In the black?

I think you need to think beyond an Aa Bb rhyme scheme and perhaps think about trying freeverse. This poem was ok, not nearly the best i've seen from you though.

Understood, well I am very knew to poetry so I decided to start simple. Thanks very much for the comment and advice, in the black I meant like in the nothingness, just a way I worded.

Quote:

Originally Posted by surfacetoday

This is god awful. Figure out why, and then write some new poems.

Everyone has there own opinion on it, I can see faults but not too demean it as god awful, so care to explain?

dannyboy · 05-13-2008, 11:38 PM

it sounds like a bad pop song.

and is a starting point, no more.

Damian_Rucci · 05-14-2008, 04:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dannyboy

it sounds like a bad pop song.

and is a starting point, no more.

what do you mean it is a starting point no more? I don't understand