MisterJack

removed

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ash somers

hmmmm, interesting and quite a thought provoking read, well done

there's just one thing i take issue with, that is the use of the werds

'always and never' when writing poetry, i see it as a lazy cop out

to finding some thing more sublime and poignant to enhance rather

than detract ... ie. perhaps you could say rather than "never heal"

unable to heal, reluctant to heal, beyond healing, just ideas etc etc

Mirror

Jack -

It reads very well. Great imagery wrapped in an insightful ending.

One thought:

as doorbells chime a childhood-
where knees were scuffed on pavements (As 'childhood' is a time indicator, I would deem 'when' more appropriate - yet, it seems to work if the scene is shifted back to the original setting - the bathroom - in the reader's mind.)
and linen sheets flapped clean.

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CMM_Kaleido

Well written--just terribly, terribly depressing.

(For L1 you did mean [someone/we] have passed and not [we/it] are past, right?)

MisterJack

Ash, that is an interesting comment. I will think seriously on replacing the 'Never' as I think you're probably right. Thank you for that, just trying to figure out what to replace it with and maintain flow, shouldn't take much.

Mirror, as always, thank you for reading and I am considering that alteration also, as, it does read more coherently as 'when' over 'where'.

CMM, depressing? oh. I didn't intend it to be 'depressing' as such, dark, certainly and poignant to a point. Just out of curiosity, what meaning did you get from it that was so depressing? And, as for the 'Passed', yes, it is the former.



Thank you all so far for reading and comments.
Very helpful


Kind regards

Jack

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Baron

A good read, Jack. Seems that whatever suggestions need to be made have been.

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MisterJack

Thanks for reading and leaving the comment, Baron. Appreciate the acknowledgement that it works


Jack

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ShabookiSkittles

I wanted to be able to say something besides "I like it. It's really good." but I just can't spot anything that needs improvement. Sooooooooo..... I like it. It's really good. Lol.

MisterJack

Glad you liked it ShabookiSkittles, appreciate you taking the time to read and comment


Jack

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Martin

Quite a unique piece this is.. much enjoyed..

/m

MisterJack

Thank you, Martin. Appreciate you taking the time.


Jack

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CMM_Kaleido

This is where (I think) I am getting depressed:
1. I read the subject as an aging (aged) ('mess of a') woman--at this point personal baggage, familial and otherwise, colors the whole piece for me;

2. the loss of control over life ('an endless list of nothing more than someone else’s schemes') made more poignant (yes, I did get poignant) by earlier recollections of childhood, 'knees scuffed on pavement, which symbolized to me adventure and risk--things that make life exciting and worth living--things her life now lacks. And 'fish tanks smash,' represented to me the destruction of childhood love, care, and safety.

Wrap these up in the seeming inevitability of us all reaching this point and I hit depressed.

My interpretations are no doubt off the mark--but as I said, my being personally depressed by the piece did not detract from how well I thought it was written.

MisterJack

CMM, thats interesting that you saw her as 'aged' or 'aging'. I didn't aim for that particularly, so, interesting, yes.
It does concern female sacrifice, be it a mother for her 'coming of age' daughter, a woman following her faith/belief system, one suffering a husbands torments, or a woman reflecting on her undesirable father's activites/attitudes towards her mother.
Take any of those options, and while dark, certainly, I didn't intend depressing so I hope to brighten your darkness in the next piece and apologise for making you feel so down over this.

Thank you again for reading and for the explaination. It's always great to hear peoples take on your work.

Kind regards

Jack

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For me with Squalor

Jack I felt none of the aforementioned depressive atmosphere. More of a saturday after party feeling. No age (I don't know why I have the urge to unjustify others feelings.)
-ing it wasn't the happiest of diddies but it made a good read. What can I say, you made this piece work. I came to it later so it might have been changed whilst I tardied, but
nevertheless its all better now. Cheers

PS.: I have to join the crowd and say that the last two lines where especially potent!

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MisterJack

Thank you, FmwS, for taking the time to read. I'm glad it worked for you and also reassured to hear the last two lines were a solid enough closure.

Jack

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