Movement II: Revontulet - Writers Forum

Noirllyn · 04-11-2008, 08:07 PM

Away in the Lappland, where the Aurora Borealis lives,
At least during the work week and at least at night,
There are our Traditions, and there is our life...
Tucked into that soft northern light.

The halo of forever, encircling the globe,
The green mist that curls around the stars
Is actually just the ash of our ancestors’ souls,
Writing to us the love song of our destiny.

There is where I want to be,
Where the sky unravels...
To look up and see the Viking spirits,
Recouping from their travels.

The glass floor of the Great Hall is cracked
Over the very tip of living lands.
And the Anglos, the Geats, all of the Asa,
The people of God, of rituals past,
Are leaking from Valhalla, down into human hearts.

For when we are lonely, we tend to be alone,
We climb to the edge of the Lappland and look at the sky,
Only the pale reindeer keep us company,
Our crystalline breath and the permanent snow...

Then comes the night, and we are eternity.
Then comes the night, and we are infinity.
Then comes the night, and we are no longer alone.

Author's Note:

This is the second poem in a series of five. I chose to post this one, as I feel it needs the most work. Stanzas 3&4 don't hit me very well, and I'm not quite sure why. Any input is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

CMM_Kaleido · 04-11-2008, 10:49 PM

This is a very intriguing piece. The content creates interesting shapes and colors. I do think, however, that the candid beauty of the poem is being held back by a passive tone and a few too many unimportant words. This leans to my personal taste, but the following are a few suggestions:

Away in the Lappland, where the Aurora Borealis lives, unnecessary article
At least during the work week and at least at night, unnecessary modifiers
There are our Traditions, and there is our life... pronouns are unnecessary and set a passive tone.
Tucked into that soft northern light. don't really think you need this either.

The above could read:
Away in Lappland, where Aurora Borealis lives,
During the work week and at night,
Our Traditions and our life
Are tucked
into soft northern light.

And S3, which you were unsure, of could go:
I want to be, More active to start with the noun. . .
Where the sky unravels...
Look up and see the Viking spirits, . . .or the verb
Recouping from their travels.

Can I ask also why the capitals? You may have chosen to strike a formal tone, but I'd suggest trying it without the caps.

And poems shouldn't be centered, unless the format has a specific tie-in with the content (perhaps this is intended for lyrics?).

Again, I like this piece. Pride of place is coming through now, but I think the message could be stronger and hold more appeal with a more active voice.

Noirllyn · 04-11-2008, 11:29 PM

Thank you very much for your suggestions, CMM. I'll be sure to give them a try.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CMM_Kaleido

Can I ask also why the capitals? You may have chosen to strike a formal tone, but I'd suggest trying it without the caps.

Honestly, I think the only reason I typed it up with capitals (in my handwriting it's very hard to distinguish capitals from lowercase letters) is because it looked funny to me when it didn't have a capital at the top of each line. Most of the stanzas are very long sentences that do need some sort of emphasis break between them (IMO). I can't just plop a period down anywhere I please, and the result of a simple line-break doesn't seem like quite enough. A few other words are capitalized just because that's how they're supposed to be (Lappland), and "Tradition" is capitalized for emphasis and as an allusion to some concepts of Evola's related to the poem.

Quote:

And poems shouldn't be centered, unless the format has a specific tie-in with the content (perhaps this is intended for lyrics?).

No, certainly not lyrics. :p I've tried to lay the poem out in different ways to put proper emphasis on things, but the closest to the correct "shape" of the poem I have gotten so far is centering. Ideally, I think it would be 3D, starting as the base of a pyramid and spiraling down into a cone. The poem is supposed to be about reconnecting with the core and center and soul of the self, so I think that the center of the page is as close as that can get in 2D.

Quote:

Pride of place is coming through now, but I think the message could be stronger and hold more appeal with a more active voice.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "pride of place", could you perhaps rephrase it for me?

CMM_Kaleido · 04-11-2008, 11:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Noirllyn

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "pride of place", could you perhaps rephrase it for me?

The speaker seems to proud of his/her homeland, Lappland--or the lands/countries/traditions at top of the world in general.

(For the capitals, sorry I was unclear, I was only referring to the caps at the start of each new line, not the proper or emphasized nouns. I was also not suggesting rampant punctuation.)