PrisonerOfPrey

bricks crumble under pressure
uncounted trampling feet
passed through now dank halls

mold grows
rags lay clean in silent desuetude
contaminated minds warm the Petri dish

tiles crack in disrepair
ignorance boring holes
of illusion

silent ghosts sweep the halls
dust collecting in ragged corners
unlearned minds

liberty bell is cracked and broken
ours is ancient ceramics
found buried, in crying soil

wells dry beneath the skin
cobwebs in this horrid earth
as fountains run empty

Room 101
remains silent, arson of the mind
fire in the school.

Any thoughts on my new tangent woyld be appreiciated!

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

CMM_Kaleido

Almost missed this one. I think this piece, which seems to be mostly descriptions, could be cut back to just two or three stanzas.


mold grows in dank halls Sorry, crumbling bricks was just not strong enough for me.
rags lay clean in silent desuetude
contaminated minds warm the Petri dish

silent ghosts sweep the halls
dust collecting in ragged corners
unlearned minds

Room 101
remains silent, arson of the mind punctuation?
fire in the school.

Sorry to do the cut and paste, but my fuzzy brain could not keep the numbers of the stanzas straight. As I understand it, either no punctuation or punctuation in all the right places.

The last stanza has a powerful meaning and provides a strong close for a shorter piece--as it stands it gets a little lost.

PrisonerOfPrey

thanks CMM, I'll shorten it!

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

peterphreak

Hi POP (sorry for the font changes),

Really loved the incendiary imagery paired with moldy lyceums. Really, truly sorry for this really, really long post. I tried to read it as i would my own piece. Sorry for being so critical, just that if i can't be tough on my poems, i have no right to ever graffiti another's cavity. Tried to write (752), but it was more fun to read your efforts. Thanks and sorry for my effrontery.

"Skulls Cavity"
7r6r5
bricks crumble under pressure
uncounted trampling feet
passed through now dank halls



bricks in school? uncounted or imagery of ignition? dank or drunk ()?

2r8r10
mold grows
rags lay clean in silent desuetude
contaminated minds warm the Petri dish



rags to Molotov? silence contaminates? third too long but love the imagery because i'm getting paid as a biologist.

6r6r4
tiles crack in disrepair
ignorance boring holes
of illusion



Beautiful, tiles paired with crack(le). ignorance or the imagery of cognition? Then in the third delusion preserves illusion (sorry)

6r9r3
silent ghost(s?) sweep the halls
dust collecting in ragged corners
unlearned minds



one spirit or sermons of legion? unlearned minds connects with liberty or libertine?

9r7r7
liberty bell is cracks and broken
ours is ancient ceramics
found buried, in crying soil



break from fire too well to be bell? cracks or crackled? crying and cracks pair, but do you think the enjambment is better fried?

6r7r6
wells dry beneath the skin
cobwebs in this horrid earth
as fountains run empty



Too much concern of bell and well forgetting the fire (dry)? cobwebs and fountains (foundations)? Love the trinitarian implication of fountain as ink, ilk and wellspring of oil.


4()6r94
Room 101
remains silent, arson of the mind
fire in the school.


Significance of 101? Love the choosy syllabic verse. Is fire silent phenomenologically?

Thank you. I really enjoyed the piece. You have a flow with verse that arsons my logic. Just like i don't like haircuts, i think you should keep it long. Trim the splint ends, but keep it raven black and blue. Thanks for you work.

Baron

I enjoyed reading this and don't really have a problem with it as it is. If you can condense without losing the imagery then all well and good.

__________________

PrisonerOfPrey

Baron Thank you, I will see what I can do. I'm glad I have your support!

Peterphreak ...Thank you. I don't know what to say, I have the feeling I'm not intelligent enough. Could you clarify? I really appreciate your critique so I figured I should ask for clarification (rather than pretend I understood and not get the benefits of your thoughts.) Thank you!

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Open2suggestion

Well Im new to this, but for what it's worth I thought this piece was incredible in it's imagery and descriptive nature. I especially liked this part:


silent ghost sweep the halls
dust collecting in ragged corners
unlearned minds

Just a nit pick here though -- "Liberty bell is cracks and broken" -- I'm sure you meant "is crackED and broken". Other than that I like it as is.

PrisonerOfPrey

oops! thank you. I forgot to fix that. Thanks for reading!

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

peterphreak

Hi POP (again sorry for the font changes - Mary, JoJo the carpenter and Microsoft),

If the voice in my head were silent, i would have left my words as drunken typos. But, no pane no pain? I just want to say for the record that i liked your verse as it stood even some of the grammatical errors. So, here's how i had to respond to you question. I have to affirm that no question comes with an answer ... Thank God for small miracles. Thanks once more for making me re-read your poem .... Here goes ....

PrisonerOfPrey

Oh! I see! The rest of my poem doesn't really build up to the fire at the end. I totally see where your coming from now! (How could I have missed that) I have to say some of your verse was beautiful. And....I might just steal a little bit of it, if thats ok with you

The poem isn't all about the fire, it's about what made it burn in the first place.

A couple things I noticed and wanted to comment on,
-I have bricks in my school, I think for the affect.
-rags greased lay soiled in desuetude (desuetude means unused, clean, etc)

Thats all! Thanks for your comment, and I hope you re-writing was a good mental exercise. I think I'll keep my fire just a mall smolder in this poem though.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

ShabookiSkittles

I like it. The whole thing makes me feel a certain "emptiness." At first when I read it I felt like it was a bit drawn out but after a second glance through it seemed fine. O.o creeeeepyyyy.... This was very good though, keep it up.

PrisonerOfPrey

Thank you Shabooki for reading and commenting, I always look forward to your reviews.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me