Homemaster

Tomorrow comes eventually.
(I have time)
An unstoppable sheet of roiling time.
(Don’t panic)
It rises from deep down like sudden panic.
(Work? Later…)
No one sees what the future brings until later.

Put things (a pretty picture) off.
(Utter waste)
I tread a road stuttered with waste.
(Likely lazy)
Pretty lights and dainty diversions make me lazy.
(Frustration)
There is no greater source of frustration.

Why? Why?
Why the panic?
Why the waste?
Why the frustrating laziness?

Never learn, much too difficult
to postpone the process, like death
it is inevitable, to hide from failure.

Today I may.
Tonight I might.
Tomorrow I burrow.

__________________
Green - Change
Blue - My suggestion
Red - Destroy

PrisonerOfPrey

What are you trying to do with the repition of this piece? I don't understand your intent. I also don't see the purpose of all of the parenthesis. Also, in your last line. Burrow? Like, go to ground, a hedgehog in it's home, a burrow? I'm not sure I understand that either. I like your idea, but i'm not really sure where your going with this. However, it could just be me. I did like stanza 2 though, maybe without all the parenthesis though.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Martin

Hello Homemaster

Welcome to the forums

This is a quite confusing piece. I'm not sure on what feeling it is you aim to express, but I also think you make it really hard on yourself the way you try and weave two perspectives together.
I suggest you try and rewrite this with a more focused approach and with fewer aspects.

cheers

/m

Homemaster

First up, hi! Nice to be here, and thanks for the replies and suggestions.

I do agree that the parenthesis is a bit much, I felt it might detract from the rhythm and flow. I am trying to get two persepctives across, maybe it wasn't the best way to do it. I'll work on that number one, and also the repitition, which will probably work itself out with that. I think I was kind of playing around with that as I wrote...

Oh, and it's about procrastination.

__________________
Green - Change
Blue - My suggestion
Red - Destroy

ash somers

i think it reads a bit too much like a list
try integrating some of the main themes
rather than introducing one after the other
with out considering their whole relationship
how it 'knits & fits' together as a whole piece

MisterJack

I agree with Ash Somers regarding it reading like a list and the need for integration. I also agree about the repetition. Condence the message and make it more fluid, then the piece will be much more accessible and stronger on the whole.


and welcome also, good to see people who listen and want to improve.

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Homemaster

Hmm well I've put some thought into a re-make, TRIED to use some of the ideas put forth regarding repetition, parenthesis and, importantly, the "list" feeling. I think by that you meant I was just describing everything rather than making it flow? In the new one I've tried to make a progression, but is this the right thing to do or does it detract from poetry? Either way here it is (I kept the second stanza the same, but it's now first):



Jumbled Mess

Put things (a pretty picture) off,
I tread a road stuttered with
waste.
Waste like luscious lights and dainty diversions
make me
lazy.

Why?

Tomorrow comes eventually, rushing here
like an unstoppable sheet of roiling
time.
Time is bountiful until
it runs
out.

Why?

Sudden panic rises from the depths
of my
being.
Never learn, much to difficult to
postpone the process, like death
it is inevitable, to hide from failure.

Today I may.
Tonight I might.
Tomorrow I burrow.




Oh, and the burrow is trying to refer to hiding/going underground/ burying oneself.

__________________
Green - Change
Blue - My suggestion
Red - Destroy

Martin

This is much better. Now you clearly get your message across. I especially like second stanza and how "time is bountiful untill it runs out".. Wise words..

However I still would make some changes.

I feel this specific topic (procrastination) should be done without the personal reference. You seem to capture the feeling and failure of the narrator, more than the generel "ignorance" of humankind.

Also, last stanza doesen't really expand the poem, and last line of the 3. is a much better ending line. I would cut out last stanza.

Futhermore I would also cut back on the line-breaks, so words like "lazy" and "out" wouldn't stand alone. But it reads ok as it is.

It's an interesting piece, and I think it could be improved even futher.

cheers


/m