NealCassady

Look at it, sticking up straight
Pushing through pajama pants, so hard,
Aching for pleasure, aching for release.
Blood rushes to flesh, a gopher
Poking its head out of its hole
To look around, waiting for climax,
Loving for climax, pleading for climax
Dying dying dying for climax
Lusting lusting lusting for climax.

A flower on an April morning
A girl, 18 years old, blooming, sits behind,
With shorts as short as short can be.
I drink her up with her fleshy white legs,
Bare and brutally glaring for the rest
Of this field of flowers. My blood
Rages rages rages with a sword in hand
Raging to the tip, waiting for release.

I ride on wings of desire,
Driving towards masculine elation,
Masculine indulgent hardness,
Masculine awareness as sensitive as sensitive can be,
Masculine artistry of painted tapestry painted on whitewashed walls,
Masculine desire no longer covered or ashamed.

For me with Squalor

Thats vived Nothing left to our imagination here! Not bad in its own genre. It might not be the most popular though. anyway glad a hard caused a poem! Never thought I'd say that!

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NealCassady

anything can inspire a good poem just gotta put it in the appropriate, or, inappropriate context.

velo

there is nothing appropriate or inappropriate about it, it simply is what it is. What it is, at least in the first stanza is a very good summation of the sometimes overwhelming sexual desire men feel. A lot of us won't admit it, but it's there. I liked the single-minded, almost desperate urgency of the tone. Ladies, forgive us for being brutes at times but our biological imperitives are very powerful!

I think you really lost the momentum in the third. I think you could cut it completely and have a much better piece. It becomes less imperitive and almost pedantic- definitely telling and not showing.

Overall, some really nice interpretations of having to deal with a mini-me that sometimes takes control!

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ash somers

lol

Noirllyn

Okay. I think I'm finally over the initial embarrassment of reading something like this to actually comment on it constructively. It was very good, surprisingly good. Was quite explicit, yet not really all that distasteful.

Most of my suggestions are in line breaks and punctuation... I have a line break fetish, sorry.

Look at it, sticking up straight Replace comma with colon, break line after "it".
Pushing through pajama pants, so hard,
Aching for pleasure, aching for release. Break line before second "aching".
Blood rushes to flesh, a gopher
Poking its head out of its hole
To look around, waiting for climax, Put more of a separation between "waiting" and "for", either using an ellipses or line break, possibly putting "for climax" in parenthesis, even italics.
Loving for climax, pleading for climax Ditto with this one as with the previous.
Dying dying dying for climax Some sort of punctuation might help between the "dying"s. Dying... dying... DYING! How should we perceive this "dying"? Is it slowly worsening? Is it getting better? Is it steady throughout? Again, perhaps move "for climax" to another line or otherwise give it its own voice (I read it like a whisper after a scream, personally, should I be doing it that way?).
Lusting lusting lusting for climax. Same suggestion as for the previous line. Is it lusting, lusting, lusting? Lusting... lusting... lusting...? Lusting... lusting... LUSTING! (for climax...). I don't know, you're the creator and you haven't told me how it is and isn't to be read, yet.

A flower on an April morning End with a colon, perhaps.
A girl, 18 years old, blooming, sits behind,
With shorts as short as short can be.
I drink her up with her fleshy white legs,
Bare and brutally glaring for the rest
Of this field of flowers. My blood I like that you put "my blood" on this same line. It seems to fit there perfectly.
Rages rages rages with a sword in hand Rages... rages... rages...? Or should it be punctuated so that when we read it... we know that it is raging, as we are raging right along with it.
Raging to the tip, waiting for release.


I agree with velo that perhaps the last stanza should be reconsidered in its entirety. The last line of the second stanza could very well be the perfect final line, if you ask me, although if it is to be the closure, I think that "waiting" ought to be set off on its own line and "for release" ought to be on its own, as well (possibly with ellipses following behind). I hope some of my comments have been helpful to you.

NealCassady

I think that I've already established what types of fetishes I have Noirllyn.
Glad you could see this as a constructed poem. In the past I've been called distasteful in so many words and well...this situation didn't call for that TYPE of taste (not necessarily distasteful per say). I really tried to paint the picture of this girl in a beautifully sexual manner rather than a primal, lustful, manner. There's a fine line, I know.
Thank you all for commenting. I will reconsider the last verse although I do want to establish, semantically, the ridiculousness of sexual shame - especially by males who are more likely to be pegged as simple superficial masculine indulgent bastards (who are therefore misogynistic) instead of admirers of female sexuality and reacting accordingly.
Masculinity, for me, has a stigma of brute-ness when in actuality it can be as sensitive as femininity while not being necessarily feminine.
Perhaps the third stanza tells us while the rest of the poem shows this...but I felt like the first two stanzas did not clearly identify the message I was after.

NealCassady

Look at it: sticking up straight
Pushing through pajama pants, so hard,
Aching for pleasure,
Aching for release.
Blood rushes to flesh, a gopher
Poking its head out of its hole
To look around...waiting for climax,
Loving for climax...pleading for climax,
Dying...Dying...DYING for climax.
Lusting...Lusting...LUSTING for climax.

A flower on an April morning:
A girl, 18 years old, blooming, sits behind,
With shorts as short as short can be.
I drink her up with her fleshy white legs,
Bare and brutally glaring for the rest
Of this field of flowers. My blood
Rages...Rages...RAGES with a sword in hand
Raging to the tip, desiring release.

Ilasir Maroa

Well, it's not close to offensive, and I wouldn't call it bad, but overall, it really didn't do much for me. Your metaphors were shor and isolated, and it was just too much "telling" for me to enjoy.

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Mermaid on the breakwater

Clean your headboard off, Neal.

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Industrial

This poem makes me hard.

rofl joking. But its good, not a subject I would personally pursue, but hey it got me laughing so its all good.

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Open2suggestion

Well, poetry boards tend to be pretty bleak and depressing places (in content at least).. this was a nice change of place. Didn't take its self too seriously, that's for sure. I agree with one of the above comments in that the first stanza was especially well done. It really drilled the point (so to speak) home. I liked the repetition at the end of that stanza too.. with the "climax" thing. I do think it lost a bit of it's luster in the third stanza but overall a quirky, some what disturbing, but also relate-able piece.
talk about boning up on your poetry...

pause for laughter.

Noirllyn

A lot of this is repetition, but I do think there's improvement.


Look at it: I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally think you should put a line break here. Really really.sticking up straight,
Pushing through pajama pants, so hard,
Aching for pleasure,
Aching for release.
Blood rushes to flesh, a gopher
Poking its head out of its hole
To look around...Please remove punctuation and insert line break.waiting... for climax,
Loving... for climax...Please remove punctuation and insert line break.pleading... for climax,
Dying...Dying...DYING! ...for climax.
Lusting...Lusting...LUSTING! ...for climax.

A flower on an April morning:
A girl, 18 years old, blooming, sits behind,
With shorts as short as short can be.
I drink her up with her fleshy white legs,
Bare and brutally glaring for the rest
Of this field of flowers. My blood
Rages...Rages...RAGES! with a sword in hand
Raging to the tip, desiring release.I think this was much better as "waiting for release".

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