profoundname

stay

He’s filled his life with meaningless distractions
Only to find that his life has no meaning
The only woman he’s ever loved
The only woman he’s ever fucked
She doesn’t want him anymore
She doesn’t
He knows that
He hopes that if he can stay a bit longer
That she will love him again
Like she did when their love was still new
When they both reached out with mangled arms
For something, for anything that resembled love
And believing so that they had
When she pantomimed the words in swirls on his back
And she looked into his eyes
He knew that she loved him
But it doesn’t sound the same, not quite like it did
When they still dreamed together
And the words poured from her mouth
Like she would never be able to say them again
Before they became an afterthought
To another night ended
Another day passed punching the clock
A brief addendum to their life in general
He tries to coax it out of her
But he doesn’t
Not anymore
The distractions keep him busy
Because he can’t see it in her
Like he did when he still believed her
Before the time pissed away
And he counted himself lucky
To hear the words again

PrisonerOfPrey

This really needs trimmed. Before I go more in depth I wan't you to turn this long rant into poetry with stanzas. You also need to work with the enjambment.

for ex.
When she pantomimed the words,
swirls on his back

You also need to show not tell.
(ex)
And she looked into his eyes
He knew that she loved him

could be,
misty eyes drifted to his,
love forming in the shadows.

Or something. This could be cut down a lot and added to a lot using the things that i've stated thus far. Play with it a bit and i'll come back to it.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

ShabookiSkittles

It hurts the eyes to try to read it. Try seperating it into sections. There is also alot of redundancy throughout. I like the concept but the presentation is lacking.