Glass Mountain - Writers Forum

Baron · 04-09-2008, 05:53 AM

removed

Pete_C · 04-09-2008, 07:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Glass Mountain

Gypsy traveller searches time,
his opalescent eyes behold - a Lady
in a frozen clime, where plains reflect
the sunset’s gold.

Sunset's gold is one of those terms that is far over-used, and if anything gives the poem an amateur taint, which it doesn't need.

Black onyx pierces icy straits - thrusts up
through swirling purple clouds that shroud
glacial carapace over ocean
that groans aloud.

The last line has a beat too many when I read it, and might be better as ... that shroud glacial carapace over ocean, / groaning loud.

Loud creaks and thunderous booms to drown
the screech of circling arctic terns - assault the senses
and resound, yet still
the gypsy’s passion burns.

Bent against the blizzard’s power, he staggers
forward, almost blind, to reach
for the appointed hour, the vision
set free from his mind.

Those crystal peaks that touch the sky,
that mountain high, no mortal knows, the pinnacle
of all desire above
forbidding barren flows.

Tempestuous winds would blast
his thoughts, the bite of cold gnaws
at his heart, battling elements’ cruel onslaught,
the gypsy journeys, set apart.

Radiant, on peak of frosted fires, there stands
the Lady, gazing down;
ensnared by what his heart desires, the gypsy
climbs her crystal gown.

The first line could lose a syllable to smooth the flow a little.

The avalanche flows
through his mind, a deafening roar to silence
thought; the icy gale blasts from behind, the gypsy
owned by what he sought.

Time's end begins
with an embrace, the gypsy falls
upon the snow, beyond the reach
of any grace - shrill cries ride on
the wind that blows.

I've marked out a few points that jarred for me. However, the biggest weakness of this - for me - was that it holds a slightly child-like mood. Some will like it - the type of people that collect crystal dragons and listen to Todd Rundgren - but for others it lacks a bit of realism in the imagery.

I think it really is a case of you pays your money and you takes your choice. It's not really my cup of mead in this incarnation.

Baron · 04-09-2008, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pete_C

I've marked out a few points that jarred for me. However, the biggest weakness of this - for me - was that it holds a slightly child-like mood. Some will like it - the type of people that collect crystal dragons and listen to Todd Rundgren - but for others it lacks a bit of realism in the imagery.

I think it really is a case of you pays your money and you takes your choice. It's not really my cup of mead in this incarnation.

I agree about the "sunset's gold", Pete. Thanks for your input, I've changed that slightly. Child-like, I regard as a compliment. Picasso said that it took him eighty years to learn to paint like a child so, by your reckoning, I'm thirty years ahead of the game. This was originally composed in a standard format with the same number of beats in each line and then the enjambment played with. Each stanza still has the same syllable count so I'll not be changing that. The suggestion that you made has the same syllable count as what it would be replacing anyway so it makes that adjustment rather pointless, especially as it would mean inserting a gerund where I don't really want the passive voice.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and comment.

icemoon · 04-09-2008, 09:45 AM

this is great i don't think it is just child like,the poem possesses a child like innocence and sense of wonder-excellent work.

Baron · 04-09-2008, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by icemoon

this is great i don't think it is just child like,the poem possesses a child like innocence and sense of wonder-excellent work.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment and I'm glad that you enjoyed this one. I'm beginning to wonder if the metaphor is buried a little too deep.

ShabookiSkittles · 04-09-2008, 09:17 PM

Oooh. Your poems always FLOW so well. It's like each stanza goes beginning to end without a pause. I enjoyed how you made the whole thing have an "icy" feel to it. "Time's end begins
with an embrace, the gypsy falls
upon the snow, beyond the reach
of any grace - shrill cries ride on
the wind that blows."
Powerful ending to the poem. If feel like "the wind that blows" states an obvious quality of the wind. I feel like such a simple wind kind of takes away the punch from your last line. The poem is still excellent regardless though.

Baron · 04-10-2008, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShabookiSkittles

Oooh. Your poems always FLOW so well. It's like each stanza goes beginning to end without a pause. I enjoyed how you made the whole thing have an "icy" feel to it. "Time's end begins
with an embrace, the gypsy falls
upon the snow, beyond the reach
of any grace - shrill cries ride on
the wind that blows."
Powerful ending to the poem. If feel like "the wind that blows" states an obvious quality of the wind. I feel like such a simple wind kind of takes away the punch from your last line. The poem is still excellent regardless though.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I'll give some thought to that last line.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 04-10-2008, 03:48 PM

I've left my compliments on another forum but I'll just go as far as saying, well done. The rhythm is maintained without any percievable hitches, from my pov, and the epic tale of the Gypsy can be understood to personify an array of different endeavour, which is of course no bad thing of a poem.

Baron · 04-10-2008, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mermaid on the breakwater

I've left my compliments on another forum but I'll just go as far as saying, well done. The rhythm is maintained without any percievable hitches, from my pov, and the epic tale of the Gypsy can be understood to personify an array of different endeavour, which is of course no bad thing of a poem.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this one, MotB.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 04-11-2008, 04:31 PM

No worries, Baron.

Out of interest, is this a part of your latest series of poems? I can see this as a resolution to the series or something close to...

Baron · 04-11-2008, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mermaid on the breakwater

No worries, Baron.

Out of interest, is this a part of your latest series of poems? I can see this as a resolution to the series or something close to...

How do you see this as relating to the series? It isn't, and I can't see any similarity in the metaphor used here.

MisterJack · 04-12-2008, 03:19 AM

I, too, did not see any link between this and the previous poems that were written for the recorded piece.
I did enjoy the fluidity of the read and the piece is very well constructed.

Good poem, Baron

Jack

Baron · 04-12-2008, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterJack

I, too, did not see any link between this and the previous poems that were written for the recorded piece.
I did enjoy the fluidity of the read and the piece is very well constructed.

Good poem, Baron

Jack

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Jack.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 04-12-2008, 02:31 PM

I think I already explained why I thought it might be. For sure, the content is entirely different but the style is very similar and the themes are also similar. An internal conflict portrayed externally, is one of the things I thought you were going for with this one which is not a million miles away from your poem "peaceful Exile".

Open2suggestion · 04-12-2008, 03:45 PM

I'm a newbie so I almost feel ridiculous commenting on something done by a vet such as yourself.. but this especially jumped out at me because I am partial to rhyming poetry. Many times though the rhymes make the thing seemed forced and hokey -- not so here. This read like liquid, the flow was virtually perfect. I am still grasping for the metaphor but I really enjoyed the read.