PrisonerOfPrey

I've reworked this and tried some enjambment. I'm going to need help though, I think I like this one a little less than the original.



Piercing blue eyes adrift in tears
Blink at silken maiden hands;
Drawn up to a pained brow.
Lips pale in stricken anguish
(Still beautiful)
Even in death--
She weeps soft for wayward ships

Piercing blue eyes, hard in fury,
Sent to save his parched country,
black waves whip at salt-licked hair--
Lightning illuminates gulls
Wheeling frightened towards land,
A portrait of Titus’ wrath
She weeps soft for wayward ships.

Soft dawns light, brightens stressful glare
days pass, dusk seen painted
Through a window of longing,
As maidens eyes stare dully
Through brilliant hues
That mask sparkling waters
She weeps soft for wayward ships.

Deep in heavens pool
Heroes sleep on water drifts
Hells crypt holds maidens features
Pale in death, lips of beauty
As she weeps for wayward ships.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

CMM_Kaleido

I really like this one. You have added some great concrete details that are pushing us into the picture instead of just waving it in front of our faces.



Piercing blue eyes adrift in tears
Blink at silken maiden hands, You don't actually want to end your thought here with a semicolon.
Drawn up to a pained brow. Unnecessary.
Lips pale in stricken anguish
(Still beautiful) Not sure about the parentheses. This statement doesn't seem "removable."
Even in death--
She weeps soft for wayward ships

Piercing blue eyes, hard in fury, You don't have these commas in L1. Formatting should be consistent since they are the same line.
Sent to save his parched country, Parched? Are they in a drought and he's going for water or do you just mean he's leaving dry land--because I'm not getting that.
black waves whip at salt-licked hair-- You've improved my favorite line!
Lightning illuminates gulls
Wheeling frightened towards land, Great new image these 2 lines.
A portrait of Titus’ wrath
She weeps soft for wayward ships.

Soft dawns light, brightens stressful glare Is there something more timeless than stressful?
days pass, dusk seen painted
Through a window of longing,
As maidens eyes stare dully Unnecessary. I think stare implies.
Through brilliant hues
That mask sparkling waters Sparkling sounds too happy. I like the idea that the maiden's window is softening (masking) the image of the raging sea as she watches.
She weeps soft for wayward ships.

Deep in heaven's pool apostrophe
Heroes sleep on water drifts
Hell's crypt holds maiden's features Something more specific than features, maybe face?
Pale in death, lips of beauty
As she weeps for wayward ships.



Might I suggest--just as something to think about--making the maiden herself a more iconic lead character (might help with clarity in a few places) and actually call her fair maiden or maiden fair. You could modify your refrain to "Maiden fair weeps for wayward ships," or something (Hmm, maybe not that line--sounds like a newspaper headline.)

The aspect I can't really comment to--which Baron mentioned before--is rhythm, keeping a steady and nearly regular beat. Each stanza should somewhat follow the same pattern. I am not sure this has that yet. Do you have some ballads on hand that you can refer to as a model(s)?

I hope you keep at this one!

kmrc

ShabookiSkittles

I actually like this one much better than the other. It has a lot more beauty and power to it. For some reason it seems less "blue" to me now but I still think it is very good.

PrisonerOfPrey

Shabooki,
Thank you for reading and responding. I'm glad it is still affective to you seeing as all the great things you said about my first try. Shame it has less color though...lol

CMM, Thank you for reading!
That mask sparkling waters Sparkling sounds too happy. I like the idea that the maiden's window is softening (masking) the image of
I think I will change it to glistening. I like the idea of a beautiful sight causing terrible pain. Which do you think is better?
As for changing my refrain I enjoy the alliteration of mine now. Thank you for your suggestion though.
Some of the suggestions you made I would have done, except for it works against my enjambment. I tried to get a syllable scheme going, but I only managed to do it in some of my poem.
Thank you so much for reading, I will continue to brainstorm on this one.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Baron

I think that this is mcuj closer to your aim than the original. The flow is certainly improved. Had you not stated that you'd chosen a specific format for this one then I would just say, good job. Your original choice, however, asks for specific rhythm and I think it's worth continuibg to work towards that.

__________________