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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
04-08-2008, 03:25 PM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5
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Silver Skies
These Silver Skies,
are leading my away,
To a forest of elves,
where I make my stay
With a beautiful elvin girl,
whom wispers to me softly,
"You are hungry for love,
Through me you should feed,
Because if you do not,
You must suffer and bleed
I'm living in a world,
Where I cannot be found,
My home is a dream,
To which I'm forever bound
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04-08-2008, 03:30 PM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5
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forgot something
I know I know
I forgot the h in wispers and the " I know I know
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04-08-2008, 09:20 PM
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#3
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5
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oh yeah
*skys ? im a fucking idiot
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04-09-2008, 12:15 AM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Posts: 155
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Quote:
Originally Posted by misterjohnson
These Silver Skies,
are leading my away, Leading my way
To a forest of elves,
where I make my stay Try making this flow a bit better. Add a little beauty to how you are saying that that is where you are staying.
With a beautiful elvin girl, I believe it's "elven", not positivve tho.
whom wispers to me softly, *whispers* perhaps "whispering softly"?
"You are hungry for love, hunger for love?
Through me you should feed, Try replacing "should" with "must"
Because if you do not, Try "for if you do not" "Because" isn't one of the most eloquent words.
You must suffer and bleed Try changing "must" to something else, maybe add a little alliteration with "shall"?
I'm living in a world,
Where I cannot be found,
My home is a dream,
To which I'm forever bound This line is about a beat or two too long. This stanza would flow much better if this line was a bit shorter or even just put "in a dream" and leave the bottom as it is.
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Last edited by ShabookiSkittles : 04-09-2008 at 12:17 AM.
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04-09-2008, 07:20 AM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: America
Gender: Female
Posts: 404
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Add More! This is a good topic, you could go on forever about elvin lands. Add scenery, reflect on the rolling hills awash in glass flowers. This is too short to do it justice. Keep going!
__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me
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