WisdomSeeker

Came close to loosing my mind the other day.
When I finally got a firm grip on myself this flowed from my fingers...

Spider...

“Stop tugging at my web!”
said the Spider to the child.
“I’m losing all direction
and the chickens have gone wild.

"The husband keeps on losing cents
while banks are caving in.
The eldest is convulsing
and her mind is in a spin.

"The boy is holding tightly
to the temples of his head.
Another day of sunlight
will not take him out of bed.

"My tangled web keeps breaking
so I’m mending all the time.
I cannot play with dolls today,
'cause then I'll lose my mind.

"Someday I think you'll understand
my sweetest little bug.
But ‘til you do, I’m asking you,
to just give me a hug."

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velo

Interesting. I liked the imagery.

This is the one bit I found off-putting. I don't get the dolls reference or the fear of it losing its mind It seemed jarringly out of place.

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Are you kidding Velo? Even Malone won't touch this one-adrianhayter

Carpe diem, quam minimum credulo postero -Horace

WisdomSeeker

When I wrote this piece, the "tugger" was my youngest girl who is forever in looking for my attention. Problem...my husband, my eldest and my boy have so many issues (money, epilepsy, and depression with suicidal ideologies) that finding time to play with her, or with anything is seldom, or even difficult...and it breaks my heart (dolls just fit because she's only eight).

Thanks for the comment.
~WS~

Baron

Good images and idea in this but it loses impact by the sing-song rhyme scheme. I think that this could be made more universal, rather than personal, by reworking in free verse.

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WisdomSeeker

Thank you for your comment, Baron.
I guess the "sing-song" style fit for me because it was written with my little girl in mind. Perhaps it's also my coping mechanism...most of my writing is just for therapy anyway...I was really coming apart when I wrote this one but managed to pull things together when I read it outloud and laughed with my daughter.
Kim

WritingandRaving

Hey WisdomSeeker, I really liked this piece and I agree with you that your rhythm fits the subject matter. The ABCB scheme you've held strictly to works well (though of course it could be argued that the second stanza is ABBB) especially where you push it to its limits in the penultimate stanza rhyming 'time' with 'mind'. I think this really serves to highlight the fact that in this verse you are considering you and your feelings today.

There were a few lines that I thought don't quite scan as well as they could:
'The husband keeps on losing cents' - in this verse the beats go 8, 6, 7, 7 and this could easily be changed to:
'The husband keeps losing cents
while the banks are caving in.' and so have a symmetric 7, 7, 7, 7 arrangement.

Also in regards to this line, I don't quite get why the banks are 'caving in' unless the husband works in banks that are doing poor business. I thought maybe 'the banks are closing in' made more sense to me.

In any case I'm glad that writing this piece made your day a bit brighter, its a lovely thought (and poem) and a timely reminder to all of us that writing can be so therapeutic. Thanks for sharing!

WisdomSeeker

Well...thank you.
I don't know much about the ABBC stuff...I just write what comes.
I do, however, appreciate learning...so thanks again!
Couldn't decide whether "cents" or "sense" would be appropriate...either way, they both apply to the "banks caving in" with the economy...we are hanging unsteady in the "high end" of the "low income" bracket...and the love of my life concerns himself a bit less than I do about our so-called "budget." Therefore, I think your suggestion could also be appropriate...heheh!
Just a day in my life is all this piece was.
Thanks for your kind comment.
~ws~