kingajcice

Forbidden love,
Has nothing on mine,
To have something such,
Oh, it would be divine,

But alas, I don't,
An unfortunate truth,
Instead I have,
No such excuse,

My love, she's there,
But still I hide,
The courage to ask,
Is too deep inside,

On top is my doubt,
Next level is fear,
But if I don't try,
I'll always be here,

Between the lines,
Of love and of lust,
I look in her eyes,
And I know that I must,

Find a way to ask,
The one that I wish,
To just listen to me,
And give me that kiss,

Forbidden love,
Has nothing on mine,
What wishful thinking,
Oh to be so divine?

__________________
"Life's a box of crackers,"
"How?"
"I don't know,"

dannyboy

why the commas?

CMM_Kaleido

This has some clever wordplay but it's not very engaging. Needs to "show" more and "tell" less. It has nearly no imagery (there are a pair of eyes but we don't know enough about them to guess their mood or emotion or to visualize them at all).

To have something such,
Oh, it would be divine,

Lines like this are not much use when you want the reader to "experience" your poem through employing their senses: sight, smell, hearing--even memory of taste and touch.

ShabookiSkittles

Wayyy too many commas and not an ounce of fluency. It also doesn't really catch the eye at any point or make you think "hmmm that's pretty original". I think you should try making it a little bit more powerful and making your rhymes seem less "forced".

PrisonerOfPrey

This feels like you could combine it all into one or two stanzas. It's not very memorable and theres nothing to grasp on to. Add some meat to this, make it stick. Instead of

Forbidden love,
Has nothing on mine,
To have something such,
Oh, it would be divine,

Write something about how it would be divine. Add some romance to this poem. "Love is lost,
unless forbidden
on my shyest soul."

Would be a good start. Start from scratch with just the ideas you want to portray in mind and rewrite something that ilustrates your feelings, not tells us.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me