Feedback please. - Writers Forum

I miss the sun · 04-07-2008, 06:31 PM

4 out of 5 stars for the one who screams real loud
She’s so voluptuous, her mother would be proud
Celebrity in the broadest terms, toes curl and the body squirms
Fan favorite among the site – Only eighteen, but she does it right.

Mass plays from the most starved of men
Compared to their wife you’re a perfect ten
It’s not used if it makes you feel good, You do just what a good girl should
You’re mother should have shed some light- only eighteen and she’s still real tight.

By the end, you’re the perfect blend
Of things I want but don’t comprehend
Too popular to name a sin, When desires turn anchors, you cant win.
Watching you’re downfall saves my life- You’re only eighteen but you make me feel right.

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-07-2008, 07:20 PM

hmm, Sounds like a song to me. I think you need to rim this up if you want it to reach poetic quality. For example

Shade in stars for screaming girls
voluptuous curves, from prideful mothers

Sounds more poetic than

4 out of 5 stars for the one who screams real loud
She’s so voluptuous, her mother would be proud

Your a little too wordy and a few of your rhymes seem slightly forced. This shows promise, (and also, sorry if I didn't manage to hide my bias. I dislike 'perfect' girls)

I miss the sun · 04-07-2008, 08:04 PM

Really appreciate the feedback...and yea, I'll admit when I do my writing I'm thinking in terms of lyrics, but I like complex meaning behind em ( if this song being about porn and how it's a real sad thing is considered complex) and the lyrics forum just isnt as active. I feel poetry is a better section because I really try and have concepts and meaning behind my writing more akin to poetry. You're constructive help is totally appreciated though.

PrisonerOfPrey · 04-07-2008, 08:36 PM

Your welcome, glad to be of service.