icemoon

Garden of Kadesh

Although I'm not entirely sure what this is about (though I have an idea), it has some interesting figurative language:

"seasons of light fermented in a clock"

"the earth dissolved in
the birds porcelain tear."

Nice.

__________________
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."

- Catch 22

Pete_C

This has some strong moments, whereas others are not so powerful. It's difficult to judge without seeing some changes.

My shadow of thorns walked out of the sea,
the harmony of distant lights carried
him across the rooftops of the city,
Up to this point it's nothing startling, but it is good enough to draw the reader in. It could be strengthened, but beware of over-egging it.
he rejoined me in a dark room with a guillotine
That line didn't work for me; it's too simple
seasons of light fermented in a clock
revealed the dark places i had been,
Very good, although the lower case i adds nothing and should be changed
the blood of my shadow ran clear,
a hummingbird appeared
the earth dissolved in
the birds porcelain tear.
There's a missing apostrophe in there. Also, these final lines have a feeling of being rushed. The image is good, but not well presented.

icemoon

hi pete c where can i see your work?-am i in the presence of greatness?

MisterJack

?

Am I right in assuming you have no interest in improving? I have noticed that you've had a few comments made on your work, and, all those comments have been more than helpful. Why delete the work rather than try to follow some of the advice offered??
Your comment regarding Pete_C and his 'greatness' shows a distict lack of respect for the time and effort he has put into your poem. He needn't have read or even taken time to comment or help you, but he did. As did Baron on two occasions that I've seen.

Wind your neck in, and, if you want to learn and improve, listen. if not, maybe this forum is not for you and you need a showcase site for your superior crafting of words.


Regards

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

icemoon

hey jack kiss my ass

MisterJack

Whatever floats yer boat, sunshine man

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Pete_C

Oh dear, another one to ignore. As there's no poem to discuss anymore, maybe this needs locking by a mod?