PrisonerOfPrey

Piercing blue eyes adrift in tears
Sparkle past lovely maiden features
Lips pale in stricken surprise
Still beautiful
Even in death
She weeps soft for wayward ships

Piercing blue eyes, hard in fury
Sent off to save his country
Waves whip at salt-licked hair
As ropes point the way to glory
Lighting illuminates the sky
A portrait of Titus’ wrath
She weeps soft for wayward ships.

Soft dawns light, brightens glare
Till dusk resumes, seen through a painted window
Days pass uneventful
As maidens eyes stare
Through brilliant hues
That mask the grey of winter
She weeps soft for wayward ships

Deep in heavens waters
Heroes sleep, aloft on water currents
Hells crypt holds maidens features
Pale in death, lips of beauty
As she weeps for wayward ships.

My first attempt at this style, I hope you enjoyed it. Please give constuctive critique, I am looking to improve upon this piece.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

ShabookiSkittles

I love how powerful you make it every time it says "She weeps soft for wayward ships" It's almost where you're listening to a song and it's pretty good, though you can't wait to hear the badass chorus again. I can't get over how almost every time I read one of your poems I FEEL a color. The whole time I was reading this poem the color was blue. I would really enjoy seeing a second, third, fourth attempt at this if you pulled off your first this well.

PrisonerOfPrey

Thank you Shabooki! I'm trying to write one of every kind of poem I have on this list (it's three pages long!) But I'm sure I will write more of these, I enjoy the style. Thank you very much.

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

icemoon

this shows great lyricism employs all the senses-the title stays in the mind.

Garden of Kadesh

Fitting and evocative diction. Is it just me or is wayward a beautiful word?

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All that moves is easily heard in the void. We will listen for you.

PrisonerOfPrey

Icemoon, Thank you very much, having you tell me this had lyricism means a lot. I don't think my poetry usually its the description.

Kadesh, Thank you as well. Wayward is a nice word, reminds me of "Carry on my Wayward Son"

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

CMM_Kaleido

On first read this is appealing. I'll come back to it after a couple more runs through it.

Baron

There are some good images here but you need to work a little on the rhythm. I think that it needs to be a lot tighter to turn something promising into something really good.

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PrisonerOfPrey

Thank you CMM

Baron, Could you tell me how to achieve your suggestions? This is my first try at this style and any advice would be apprieciated. Thank you for reading!

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

CMM_Kaleido

I think it's great that you are attempting forms. Anything that makes us work harder at putting the words, thoughts, and images together has got to be great practice (so far I have only tried a viallnelle and a sestina. My results were clunky to say the least.)

There is a delicate atmosphere beginning to take shape here, but you do need more concrete details. Find some reference for sounds and smells of the seaside. "Salt-licked hair" is a wonderful image. Did you make any wind or sky observations on your "brainstorm walk" that you could include in this piece? Does the maiden look out on the sea through that painted window? Is there something particularly hated in the sight? Crashing white waves, jagged rocks?

Also, how about a few more colorful or striking descriptions of the maiden. Beautiful and lovely are telling not showing (need an abbreviation for this). She has pale lips (in death and shock), but how about her hair or skin or other iconic images the brave sailor might have held in his heart while parted from her.



Piercing blue eyes adrift in tears
Sparkle past lovely maiden features Reads long. Suggest letting sparkle stand on its own.
Lips pale in stricken surprise She's probably more stricken then surprised.
Still beautiful
Even in death
She weeps soft for wayward ships

Piercing blue eyes, hard in fury
Sent off to save his country
Waves whip at salt-licked hair
As ropes point the way to glory Not sure about this image. Are you referring to the rigging because it's reaching up the mast, skyward? Makes me think he wants to become a pilot--that is really just my brain connections though.
Lightning illuminates the sky Spelling
A portrait of Titus’ wrath
She weeps soft for wayward ships.

Soft dawns light, brightens glare
Till dusk resumes, seen through a painted window
Days pass uneventful Show us an image of her idleness.
As maiden's eyes stare
Through brilliant hues
That mask the grey of winter Is this the view out her window? No sea? Switching to the winter from the ocean takes the mood off track.
She weeps soft for wayward ships

Deep in heaven's waters
Heroes sleep, aloft on water currents Is there a more visual and less technical/modern way to say currents?
Hell's crypt holds maidens features
Pale in death, lips of beauty
As she weeps for wayward ships.
I think this stanza works best.


Do you have something against apostrophes?

I hope you keep working on this one. Look forward to seeing revisions.

Baron

CMM has made some good suggestions here. The only thing that I would add is to look towards balancing the syllable count in each stanza and thinking about how you could use enjambment to maintain a beat.

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PrisonerOfPrey

Baron, Thank you for reading and responding. I will keep syllable count in mind when I revise. Thank you very much!

CMM,
I don't have much time so i'll allude to only one of the things you have said.

As ropes point the way to glory Not sure about this image. Are you referring to the rigging because it's reaching up the mast, skyward? Makes me think he wants to become a pilot--that is really just my brain connections though.

I was trying to portray the ropes getting whipped up from the wind. (Does it work at all?)

Other than that, I agree with all of your suggestions and I will begin revisions soon. Should I post revisions on this thread, or make a new one? Anyways, thank you very much CMM

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

CMM_Kaleido

Not sure about revision etiquette. I don't recall the topic in the posting guidelines. I would think within the same thread preferable. At the top in the original post, labeled as new (that's what I ended up doing).

Look forward to seeing what you come up with!

Baron

I would suggest that you post the revised version as a new thread. A revision posted in the thread can get lost after a couple of responses and people may skip it if they see that the thread already has a number fo responses.

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