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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
04-06-2008, 10:14 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Posts: 157
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She Flew into Infinity (Without Me)
I wish to sleep outside tonight --
My feet are glued to the ground
and the sky is stationary
although...
There is something is in the air this night...
I glitter as the Songbird --
Singing by herself behind the clouds
She flew into infinity without me...
I am the eternal Phoenix --
Awakening without her every time --
dazed and confused til the day I die
when I will rise up from the ashes... without her
Though sometimes when I spread my wings
and stare towards the sky...
I'll hear her sing --
*I love an angel*
-Shabooki Skittles
Last edited by ShabookiSkittles : 04-09-2008 at 12:20 AM.
Reason: Word Choice
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04-07-2008, 01:59 AM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In the dark caverns of my mind.
Gender: Female
Posts: 6
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WOW! That's beautiful!
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04-07-2008, 12:45 PM
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#3
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Posts: 157
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Hehe, thanks Shadow. I added another stanza to the poem now by the way.
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04-07-2008, 03:47 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: America
Gender: Female
Posts: 458
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShabookiSkittles
I want to sleep outside - Show, dont tell. something along the lines of "i long to pillow my head on sweet scented grass" will be much more visual
My feet are glued to the floor
and the sky is stationaryDelete 'and'
but...is this necessary, could you express this thought more eloquently?
Something is in the air tonight...more show don't tell. "the breeze stirs with promise?"
I glitter as if I were the songbird 'If I were' could just be 'as the songbird.'
who sings by herself behind the clouds
I live like a phoenix
Awakening without her every time -
dazed and confused until the day I die
then reborn..... without her Nice, beautiful thoughts.
She flew into infinity without me....
but...Are you trying to use repetition? If you are, my uncertainty shows that it's not working powerfully enough.
Sometimes when I spread my wings
and stare towards the sky....
I hear her sing - very nice, I like the whimsicalness of this. the - is might be unnecessary though. And as CMM Kaleido would inform you. Your hyphen isn't the right kind. It's used for joining words, you want a double hyphen. --. although, on word they just become one longer line.
-Shabooki Skittles
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This shows a lot of promise, I enjoy your phoenix idea. As a thought, if you wanted to expand on this I would love it if you played around with more mystical creatures. However, I think its the perfect length as it is. Work more on making the reader feel emotions and see your images, It will enhance your writing to utmost clarity.
__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me
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04-08-2008, 01:42 PM
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#5
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Posts: 157
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Alright, I've revised it a bit using your suggestions and my own improvements. Thank you for the advice PrisonerOfPrey.
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04-08-2008, 02:25 PM
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#6
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,875
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This is quite a good, visual read. I think that PoP got ahead of me with anyy issues in this one.
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04-08-2008, 02:35 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 363
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Enjoyable read. Oh, no, PoP is quoting me I'm in trouble now. 
I'll wait to see if you post revisions for further comments.
(I would add that ellipses are generally only 3 periods. There are instances for 4 but not here.) |
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04-08-2008, 10:57 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Posts: 157
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Made some more revisions, fixed the ellipses, changed all of the hyphens to double hyphens, and added some good ol' fashioned adjectives.
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04-09-2008, 12:22 AM
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#9
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Earth
Gender: Male
Posts: 157
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I grouped "she flew into infinity without me" in with the Songbird stanza and combined the last 2 stanzas into one.
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